Best Unintentionally Hilarious Metro Digest Section in the Star

Before Star editors started putting bylines on the paper's Metropolitan Digest section, we imagined the anonymous, bored reporters who -- purposely or not -- wrote up the little crime blurbs in such a deadpan style that they became B-2-livening gems of hilarity. Back on January 28, there were two such inadvertent comic nuggets: In Blue Springs, a guy was caught at an Amoco station slipping bottles of alcohol into his pants. "Police said when the clerk confronted the man, he rubbed against the clerk and said: CEFeel this. You don't want to mess with me' ... police said the man appeared to be intoxicated and carried no weapons." Which, naturally, made us wonder what exactly he rubbed against the clerk. Then, in the same section, a man who was reported missing from his family in Lenexa "had simply moved to Florida.... He went there on his own and did not want to be found, police said." That's not as funny, and we are evil for laughing, but the matter-of-fact tone lent it a tragicomic effect.