Haiku!

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and we weren't the least bit sorry that we couldn't travel both. Or couldn't we? Rather than bludgeon you into submission by figuratively waxing poetic with our critical largesse, we decided to take the moral high road and literally wax poetic. To dissect albums of the not-so-distant past and the not-so-distant future from artists you know and either love or loathe -- and from artists you probably have never heard of unless you're the geek behind the record counter sighing as you explain to another vacant whippersnapper that P. Diddy did not, in fact, invent the remix. Aha! But we did. And it has made all the difference.

Swimmimg in the Mainstream

Lou Reed: The Raven
Mystery solved: Why
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore?"
He heardeth this joint

Nick Lachey: SoulO.
Oh, SoulO, heel-o,
De un boy band profundo
Damn, my wife's a dolt

Russell Crowe: Other Ways of Speaking
Billy Bob Thornton: Edge of the World

Hey, esteemed actors:
Man,you ought not sing like 'at
Just ask Bruce Willis

Liz Phair: Liz Phair

Windy Chicago,
One of your children has flown
'Mid Sheryl Crow's flock

Jewel: 0304

"Swish, gurgle, gurgle!"
Sound of Nemo finding dad?
Nope -- Jewel's career flushed

Metallica: St. Anger

Sober metalheads
Are "The Thing That Should Not Be"
(Well, that and Bob Rock)

Lisa Marie Presley: To Whom It May Concern

Girl, dad's stillborn twin
Was more talented than you
Stick to divorcing

Kid Rock: Kid Rock

Hey, here's an idea
Scream the chorus of any song!
Instant Kid Rock hit!

Peaches: Fatherfucker

Granny was so wrong
Peaches cannot be preserved
Can spoil in one year

Erasure: Other People’s Songs

Confucious say:
They who cannot make comeback
Record cover songs

Limp Bizkit: Results May Vary

Though this pick is like
Shooting fish in a barrel
I couldn't resist

David Lee Roth: Diamond Dave

Now here's a surprise
This record wasn't so good
Diamond D shits coal

Whitney Houston: Just Whitney

Whitney, dear Whitney
You've become a Too Short song
Get your shit together

-- St. Clair

Digging in the Underground

Leslie Mills: Different for Girls

While her voice is pure
sugar, she fails to inform:
What is different for girls?

Magellan: Impossible Figures

Finally, the church
music-arcade sounds hybrid
you've always wanted

Victory: Instinct

Stating "Looks pretty
good!" before a song doesn't
mean it's in fact good

Jason Ringenberg: A Day at the Farm with Farmer Jason

Because all kids need
music -- not just the ones who
aren't on acid

One Line Drawing: Visitor

I've only heard these
songs five times, but they're still what
nostalgia sounds like

Motion City Soundtrack: I Am the Movie

They're reading my mind
What is up with Will and Grace?
These guys freak me out

Michael Franks: The Art of Love

The Frasier theme song
meets elevator music --
does it get better?

Neal Morse: Testimony

God's favorite things
are all here -- hangovers, rock
and buzzing bee sounds

Divine Empire: Nostradamus

From first song to last
this album totally scares
the shit out of me

The Like Young: Looked Up (Plus Four)

Tracy Bonham sings
with a guy now? No, wait -- this
is somebody else

Ted Nash: Still Evolved

It's like when I played
the saxophone in high school,
only much better

Rage: Soundchaser

For music that's meant
to be scary, its sound is
strangely uplifting

Carman: House of Praise

God's good to Carman,
but the reverse isn't true
-- God deserves better

Brazen Abbot: Guilty as Sin

One life to live, but
Heaven's just a kiss away
Bright-side kind of guys!

Holy Mother: Agoraphobia

Knocks on heaven's door
while "Hungry for Exxstacy" --
will God let him in?

JS: Ice Cream

"Love angel" one song
Cheating love devil the next
Sure you want a scoop?

Adema: Unstable

He loves his child
Says no to dudes who abuse
This guy's a keeper!

-- Fite