Kelly Osbourne

Let's be blunt. If Kelly Osbourne's father weren't the fucking Prince of Darkness, there is no way she would be allowed anywhere near a stage. Her debut, Shut Up, was full of sugarcoated rock ProTooled into submission, a fact made obvious by this trip to London. Ozzy's daughter and her band look fantastic -- Kelly resembles a young Courtney Love with a spiky, platinum shag, and her bandmates are decked in rock-hipster attire -- but they sound more like C-Lo's slobbering America's Sweetheart. In fact, Live could have been made by a band at a high school talent show. Osbourne bellows "Right Here," "Contradiction" and "Shut Up" with the subtlety of a cow in labor. Even worse are Osbourne's mom-inspired ballad "More Than Life Itself" and her band's attempt at Corey Hart's "Sunglasses at Night." The former's earnest sentiments and an appearance by Sharon O. herself can't mask the fact that it feels like the saddest, most drunken karaoke attempt in history. For maximum suckage, one DVD bonus is a promotional video of Osbourne's duet with daddy on "Changes," an abortion of a Black Sabbath cover spliced with photo montages of the pair's "special moments" together, a sight so sappy and putrid that it makes Hallmark commercials look like Nightmare on Elm Street.