Mallstars

According to the National Retail Federation, the average American will spend $702.03 on holiday purchases this year, up 4.5 percent from 2003 (up 5.6 percent, says another source). Of course, that covers only one and a half iPods and a not-very-luxe digital camera (the latter allegedly this year's top holiday gift), so the average American needs a few budget-stretching gift ideas.

Well, music is 4.5 percent less crappy this year than in 2003. How about buying everyone a CD?

Wait, you say. What kind of necrophiliac Christmas are you talking about, Santa? The CD is dead. I sex up my megabytes on the DL (download) and play everything through a sleek MP3 player, nice and naughty.

To which we say: You're killing Tiny Tim. All those laid-off label staffers are the Cratchits, and you are Ebenezer Scrooge. But it's not too late to save the beleaguered, luddite music industry. You, boy! Go fetch that U2 album in the window! No, not the one in the iPod!

As you map out your Christmas mall binges, consider these alternatives to your favorite stores.

If you shop here: Buy this artist:
The Apple Store Radiohead
Ikea White Stripes
Restoration Hardware The Strokes
Starbucks Coldplay
Nordstrom Tony Bennett
Wal-Mart Clay Aiken
QuikTrip William Hung
Eddie Bauer Dave Matthews Band
Old Navy Ashlee Simpson
American Eagle Outfitters John Mayer
Abercrombie & Fitch Maroon 5
Foot Locker Hoobastank
Lady Foot Locker Evanescence
Payless Shoes Lenny Kravitz
The Gap Hillary Duff
Gap Kids JoJo
Baby Gap Bjork
Express No Doubt
Wet Seal Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Victoria's Secret Jessica Simpson
Hot Topic Good Charlotte
Coach The Rolling Stones
Ann Taylor Rod Stewart
Aveda R.E.M.
Yankee Candle Josh Groban
Radio Shack Moby
Game Stop Linkin Park
Sunglass Hut Metallica
Piercing Pagoda Velvet Revolver
Hallmark U2
Toys R Us Jay Z and R. Kelly
Hickory Farms Gretchen Wilson
Thomas Kinkade Gallery Dido
Select Comfort Norah Jones
Jiffy LubeUsher
The U.S. Postal Service Postal Service
White Flower FarmRufus Wainwright
Costco Guided By Voices