Secret Santanas

Oh, the weather outside is frightful. But you don’t need no stinking fire to feel delightful, because you have the burning, yearning desire to fall hopelessly into debt chasing all the materialistic paper tigers you never knew you wanted to tame until corporate America told you so. And who the hell are we to stand in the way?

That’s right. Nobody.

But we do feel that, as part of our civic duty — and, um, 200 hours of community service — we have to up the ante on that crotchety Kringle bastard and his Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Whateverah counterparts by compiling the following list of items to procure for all the naughty little music fans on your holiday shopping list.

Going Ape
All those good little boys and girls who get shafted with a Nintendo GameCube instead of the Xbox they asked for will be able to find solace in the spirit of the season with the Little Drummer Monkey in Donkey Konga. Instead of rocking Halo 2, less fortunate urchins can get even with their parents by loudly banging along with Donkey and Diddy Kong on a digital bongo controller. They’ll also have to settle for saluting the arrival of the baby Jesus with a rendition of “Happy Birthday,” because, among the 30-plus songs featured on the game (such as Blink 182’s “All the Small Things,” the Kingsmen’s “Louie Louie” and Devo’s “Whip It”), nary a Christmas carol is to be found. But neither is Peter Gabriel’s “Shock the Monkey,” which is a horribly wasted opportunity. — Robert Bishop
$49.99, www.toysrus.com

Camp Iwannarock
Learn to rock out with your ... uh ... sunblock out at the Pali Rock Star Camp for aspiring hacks and wannabe divas ages 9 to 16. The camp, says promotional literature, is “nestled in the pine-covered mountains of Southern California,” the birthplace of such rock institutions as the Eagles and drug-rehab centers. There, campers specialize in either dance or music (because apparently even Ashlee Simpson and Britney Spears can’t do both at the same time) and receive training from industry pros, producers and choreographers. Suffering from sticker shock? Just remember that this is the sort of holiday gift that could reap so many returns. Show me a parent who doesn’t want his or her kid to learn how to whore like a superstar. Just like Whitney sang: The children are our future/Teach them well, and let them lead the way. — John Kreicbergs
$1,435 — $2,795, www.paliadventures.com/rockstar_camp.html

Karma Is a Bitch
Every tabloid under the sun has made clear by now that the widow Cobain -- in addition to pimping her husband's demise and posing as a classic rocker rather than rawkin'out -- spent most of 2004 auditioning for her own soap opera. Courtney Love spent her days brawling with the new tarts of her exes, (previously) worshipful fans and New York City police, when she wasn't whipping out the year's second-most famous titty at a Wendy's. Those of you for whom rock truly is religion can help alleviate Court's pain by lighting Lounge Life's oh-so thoughtful blood-red votive candles on her behalf. Emblazoned with a candid portrait of the Queen of Crazy and the message "Pray for Courtney," these candles come in various sizes to provide full illumination and unholy impact for your loft or porch. Please note, however, that the candles probably are bad form for your menorahs and kinaras. -- Kandia Crazy Horse
$8,http://indieville.net/Item.jsp?Producthttp://indieville.net
/Item.jsp?ProductId=CandlesShort

A Priest, a Rabbi, and David Lee Roth Walk Into a Bar ...
Ahh, the Working Musician's Joke Book, a perennial favorite. Here are such knee slappers as "How can you tell that a former member of Poison is at your door? Because you ordered a pizza a half-hour ago!" and "How many washed-up Van Halen lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them, as long as they do it exactly how Eddie tells them to do it or they're fucking kicked out of the group because the name of the fucking band is 'Van Halen,' not 'Van Roth' or 'Van Hagar' or 'Van Whatever-the-fuck-that-guy-from-Extreme's-name-was
-that-was-a-complete-fucking-mistake.'" All right, those aren't in there. But they should be. And at $9.71 a pop, you can get a whole bunch for all your working-musician friends. If they stuff enough pages into the lining of their coats, that ice-cold wind whipping through the Plaza won't sting nearly as much while they're busking for loose change. -- Kreicbergs
$9.71, www.amazon.com

Toyz in the Hood
If you're like us, every year around this time you ponder the same seemingly unanswerable question: What do I buy for the gangsta who has everything? Well, this year have no fear; Thugfashion.com is here. If Sean John gear and spinners for the Escalade are a bit out of your price range, check out this Web site for all the latest in iced-out, spinning jewelry, pendants, watches and belt buckles. There's something here for everyone, from the most cold-blooded Crip to the most wannabe Wanksta. Who wouldn't be thrilled to have a zirced-out, spinning G-Unit pendant (available in silver, fake platinum or fake gold for $129.99)? How about a spinning 50 Cent ring for $19? Looking for something a little less gaudy? Flash your best O.D.B. grin with a wide assortment of fake gold and platinum tooth caps ($10 apiece or $29 for a five-piece set). Trust us -- Dirt would be proud. -- Kevin Kampwirth
www.thugfashion.com