Backwash

Jimmy the Fetus
Hey, kids, Jimmy the Fetus here, your guide to moral values in the Midwest, helping everyone see that what we learned in Sunday school really does matter.

Dear Jimmy:

I've had kind of a weird experience. I started dating this guy because he seemed really normal, but it turns out he's got several kinks. Mostly, he likes to tie me up, which, when I think about it, is pretty comical. But the really strange thing is that I kind of like it. I mean, I dig the spanking and everything. He's really upfront about what we're going to try and makes sure we have clear boundaries, and we don't do anything unsafe. But I don't know. Could I really have been a bondage chick all this time without knowing it?

Shannon
Westwood Hills

Dear Shannon:

Ah, the pleasure of pain. No, Shannon, there's nothing to fear from your budding S/M fascination. After all, remember the Bible's ringing endorsement for bondage play: "Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven." Hallelujah! Of course, I'm not supposed to know about such things -- His Uptightness, Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback, has decreed that Jimmy the Fetus should feel no pain. And here I'd invested in a full complement of tiny leather goods. I looked damn fine wearing my Lynndie England leash, too. But I'm just happy that you're getting the beating you deserve, Shannon.

Got a moral quandary? E-mail Jimmy at editorial@pitch.com.

Take Us Out!
We were stunned last Friday when the Royals held a press conference calling a halt to any discussion about a downtown ballpark -- just a few short weeks after a blue-ribbon committee of civic leaders and elected officials had been given 100 days to, um, talk about the possibilities and maybe come up with a plan that would be worth taking to voters. We had foolishly hoped that between now and May 1, the people of Kansas City would have a chance to attend some sort of public event where, for the first time ever, we could dare to discuss our desire for baseball downtown.

The Royals abruptly quashed such dreams, though, before even 30 of the 100 days had passed. Team owner David Glass and his son, Royals President Dan Glass, said they'd been overwhelmed by the response of fans who didn't want to leave Kauffman Stadium.

But then, Dan Glass, who lives in Olathe, betrayed an anti-urban bias. "Maybe I don't like to go to downtown," he said, speaking for the untold number of fans who said they wanted the Royals to stay at the sports complex. The comment must have annoyed the woman seated immediately to his right -- Mayor Kay Barnes has made enlivening downtown a priority, and here was Glass, all but making the sounds of sirens and breaking glass.

But who can argue with the masses? Or at least the 10.000 people who bought season tickets in 2004. Since last week's press conference, the Pitch has learned of several other fan demands that the team must satisfy before the April 11 home opener.

George Brett must reverse the dental work that eliminated the lovable gap in his teeth immortalized on the June 21, 1976, cover of Sports Illustrated. (By contrast, a recent photograph clearly shows Brett's unremarkable, doctored smile.)

Upon entering Kauffman Stadium, season ticketholders will receive handheld DVD players with video clips of Tony Peña taking a shower with his clothes on.

Season ticketholders will be treated to game-night preparties with Royals Hall of Famer Willie Wilson. The 1970s and '80s centerfielder spent 81 days at a federal, er, training camp after an unpleasant little drug scandal in 1983 and had to hawk his World Series ring for $16,000 at a bankruptcy auction in April 2001. Season ticketholders are assured he'll have plenty of entertaining stories.

Retired shortstop Freddie Patek will personally mow the lawn of all season ticketholders throughout the 2005 season.

Net Prophet
Notes from KC's blogosphere.
Since I've officially moved out of Johnson County, I decided it was time to cancel my tanning package. Froze the account back in October, which you can do for three months. Did it mainly to save money, but also because a tan looks really stupid in the winter, especially in the Midwest. Unless you're in California, Florida or parts of Texas, it's gonna look even more fake and obvious. Of course, I didn't get out of it without a $50 penalty. Rat bastards. But that's okay, since I'm saving a ton in monthly dues. And I don't have to look at the deeply bronzed 22-year-old kiddos anymore, who have more wrinkles around their eyes and on their necks than I do. That's it for me with any type of tanning or sunbathing and ugh, sunbathing is so fucking boring, anyway. Just never have had skin that tans easily, plus I'm not getting any younger. 34 is way too old to go near the nasty ultraviolet rays without 50 sunblock, and a really good age to quit the foolishness. God, I sound old! Which is only fitting, I suppose. From "So Flighty," the online diary of Sheri Sanders