Excess Hollywood

By our count, there are but two sequels waiting to have oil rubbed on their backs this summer -- one featuring an evil lord named Vader, the other featuring an evil lord named Schneider -- so the season has that going for it, which is nice.

But in lieu of sequels come comic-book superheroes (Batman, the Fantastic Four), small-screen retreads (Bewitched, cursed with the worst trailer ever, and The Dukes of Hazzard, which not even General Lee's been waiting for) and big-screen redos (The Bad News Bears, The Longest Yard, The Honeymooners, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and War of the Worlds).

Of the 130-something movies scheduled to play this summer, few will warm the hearts of the most air-conditioned critics. Jim Jarmusch's Broken Flowers, with Bill Murray, Jessica Lange and Sharon Stone; Ron Howard's Cinderella Man, starring Russell Crowe as boxer Jim Braddock and Paul Giamatti as his trainer; and Terry Gilliam's The Brothers Grimm, with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger, arrive without action figures and Happy Meals -- and bless their sunburned souls for trying to make art during a season of commerce. Perhaps it won't be such a long, hot summer after all. -- Robert Wilonsky

The following previews are written by Bill Gallo, Luke Y. Thompson and Robert Wilonsky.

The Longest Yard
Starring: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and James Cromwell
Directed by: Peter Segal (50 First Dates)
Written by: Sheldon Turner and Tim Herlihy
What it's about: Remake of the 1974 prison-football classic.
Why it will be fabulous: Segal has Rock and ex-Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin on the roster for the inmate team, and first-version star Burt Reynolds drops in as player-coach Nate Scarbrough, the role originally played by Hill Street Blues' Michael Conrad.
Why it will be dreadful: Goofy, soft Sandler as a hard-nosed former NFL quarterback? This movie's in big trouble if we wind up rooting for the guards.

Madagascar
Starring: The voices of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer and Sacha Baron Cohen
Directed by: Eric Darnell (Antz) and Tom McGrath
Written by: Mark Burton (Spitting Image), Billy Frolick (It Is What It Is), Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath
What it's about: A curious zebra (Rock) escapes from the zoo with a lion (Stiller), a hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith), and a giraffe (Schwimmer), then gets caught and shipped off to the wilds of Madagascar. Having been bred in captivity, these animals are out of their league in a natural habitat. Hilarity ensues.
Why it will be fabulous: The computer-animation style, which looks like weird origami, gives the trailer a unique look.
Why it will be dreadful: Every single member of the voice cast tends to be an over-the-top scene-stealer, which could get mighty tiresome.

Cinderella Man
Starring: Russell Crowe, Paul Giamatti and Renée Zellweger
Directed by: Ron Howard
Written by: Cliff Hollingsworth and Akiva Goldsman
What it's about: Ditched by his ugly sisters, Cinderella Man (Crowe) begs his fairy godmother to make him beautiful so he can go to the ball. Ah, if only. Instead, it's a Depression-era boxing movie in which Crowe gets paid to punch people in the face.
Why it will be fabulous: Paul Giamatti might get to win that Oscar next year for his strong supporting turn.
Why it will be dreadful: Five words: "A film by Ron Howard."

High Tension
Starring: Cecile de France, Maiwenn Le Besco and Philippe Nahon
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Written by: Aja and Gregory Levasseur
What it's about: Two young women on vacation in the French countryside are terrorized by a psychotic killer who wears workman's overalls.
Why it will be fabulous: This no-holds-barred French slasher has already been a horror hit internationally.
Why it will be dreadful: The version being released here has been trimmed for an R rating and dubbed into English.

The Lords of Dogtown
Starring: Heath Ledger, Emile Hirsch and Johnny Knoxville
Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen, production designer of Vanilla Sky)
Written by: Stacy Peralta
What it's about: Another of Peralta's cinematic valentines (this one lightly fictionalized) to the 1970s beach-fun culture in Venice, California.
Why it will be fabulous: If you didn't get your sun-kissed fill from Peralta's Dogtown and Z-Boys and Riding Giants, this may be the summer movie for you.
Why it will be dreadful: You've more than likely had your fill of Peralta's surf-and-skate cheerleader act.

The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D
Starring: Caydon Boyd, Taylor Dooley and David Arquette
Written and directed by: Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Spy Kids)
What it's about: In a preadolescent fantasy, a boy's imaginary friends -- superheroes all -- spring to life and pitch in to get him through a series of harrowing adventures.
Why it will be fabulous: Rodriguez likes playing with toys, and 3-D fits the bill. Why it will be dreadful: Let's just say that, unless you're an 11-year-old, you'd better bring a book.

The Honeymooners
Starring: Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall
Directed by: John Schultz (Like Mike)
Written by: Danny Jacobson, Saladin Patterson, Barry W. Blaustein, David Sheffield and Don Rhymer
What it's about: Hollywood's latest raid on vintage TV: Cedric puts a new ethnic spin on Jackie Gleason's beloved loudmouth Ralph Kramden.
Why it will be fabulous: Cedric's ability to play blue-collar could send this one to the moon.
Why it will be dreadful: Nobody can channel the spirit of the Great One. Do you get the feeling you'll pine for the murky black-and-white images and canned laughs that once emanated from your old Philco?

Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Starring: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Directed by: Doug Limon (The Bourne Identity)
Written by: Simon Kinberg
What it's about: An unhappy married couple who earn their paychecks as assassins learn that they've been hired to kill each other.
Why it will be fabulous: The Pitt-Jolie twosome should be fun to watch under Limon's fast-action framing.
Why it will be dreadful: This promises to be a plot-heavy romp that could easily fire blanks.

Batman Begins
Starring: Christian Bale, Katie Holmes, Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson
Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Written by: David Goyer (Blade)
What it's about: This relaunching of the moribund franchise tells how Bruce Wayne (Bale) became the Dark Knight after seeing his parents executed in a Gotham City alley. In this version, Bruce heads to the Himalayas to train (with Neeson, shades of The Phantom Menace) and returns to Gotham to find a bad city run by a good cop, Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman) and overrun with creepy villains, chief among them the Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy).
Why it will be fabulous: No Joel Schumacher, no Alicia Silverstone, no Batnipples.
Why it will be dreadful: Because origin stories are boring and because the idea of sitting through one more Liam Neeson "training session" is about as appealing as sliding down the Batpole naked.

The Perfect Man
Starring:

Heather Locklear, Hilary Duff and Chris Noth
Directed by: Mark Rosman (A Cinderella Story)
Written by: Gina Wendkos (Jersey Girl)
What it's about: A teenage girl (Duff) and her best friend try to invent the perfect man for Mom (Locklear) by using the best friend's uncle (Noth) as a prototype.
Why it will be fabulous: Styx lead singer Dennis De Young plays a Dennis De Young impersonator.
Why it will be dreadful: Hilary Duff and good movies simply don't interact.