Water Worked

Hip-hop MC Priceless Diamonds grew up boosting clothes and turning the occasional trick. She swears she's leading a straighter life now, but we figure she's still learned lots of life lessons. So listen up, y'all.

What do you think of Destiny's Child's song "Cater 2 U"?

I love that song, because in order to keep a boss like Jay-Z or any other boss, you gotta cater to him. You gotta do what the other women aren't doing. She'll keep her hair fixed, rockin' the hottest outfits. I cater to my man. That's why I can't get rid of him. Once you cater to 'em, you cannot get rid of 'em — even if they do got somebody on the side — because they're gonna be spoiled.

To cater to your man on a budget? You just cater with what you got. Cook little gourmet, homemade meals — fried chicken, green beans, potato salad — and have them waiting for him, have the house clean, have the candles lit. And do whatever he asks when he gets there.

There's an office party coming up. How do I avoid getting crunked and fired?

I used to get tore back. I figured out it was because I was mixing colors: I would start with vodka, and by the end of the night I was on Hennessey and Remy. Then I'd be blacked out. If you start out drinking wine, drink wine all night. If you start out drinking vodka, drink vodka all night. I had to learn my limit the hard way. You gotta have mind control. I'm having three drinks and that's it, unless I want to end up lying on my back somewhere. They got a new wine out called Menage a Trois — go with a nice glass of white wine. When you want to go hard, stick with the same color all night. Don't end up on your back.

Got a question only Priceless can answer? E-mail her at bossbitch@pitch.com.

Water Worked
Schlitterbahn — the name of the Texas water-park empire that wants to build one of its splashy namesake sites in KCK — is a German word that means slippery road.

That was just one of the revelations at the September 15 press conference where Schlitterbahn officials announced their plan to locate a new, $300 million water park and resort right across Interstate 435 from Great Wolf Lodge, also an indoor water park and resort. The Schlitterbahn would be an "engine of economic success," bringing jobs as well as tourism dollars and property-tax revenue to the area.

More than once, we considered the possibility that we were actually in the opening scene of a Christopher Guest film.

Grinning Unified Government spokesman Don Denney welcomed Schlitterbahn's Jeff Henry to Kansas City by asking the crowd to shout "Schlitterbahn!" in unison on the count of three. "One ... two ... three ... ," Denney encouraged. "Schlitterbahn!" yelled the crowd.

Henry spoke about his company, a family business started by his father. He explained the signature concept known as "transportainment" — a canal system enhanced by conveyors that allow visitors to travel around the park without having to leave their inner tubes, which we have to admit is pretty sweet. He explained that a river walk would be enclosed so people could enjoy it year-round, and that an estimated 50 million people live within eight hours of the site, making Schlitterbahn a mighty tourist destination.

That's when Gary Henry joined his brother onstage and asked, "Would you buy a used car from this guy?"

Then Mayor Joe Reardon fielded a few questions from the press, most notably, "Why would you bring a water park here when we already have a water park?"

Reardon explained that the Schlitterbahn would complement, not compete with, the Great Wolf Lodge. KCK would be a place that people associated with water adventure. Who wouldn't come to a city where it is possible to stay overnight at one water park and also have access to another water park right across the street? (Such tourists would even have a third option: Oceans of Fun!)

Actually, based on the artist's drawings of what the park might look like, we're banking on the likelihood that many travelers will come to KCK after mistaking the Schlitterbahn for a real, live Ewok Village.

Jeff Henry then came back because some folks wanted him to talk about the true mission, the true meaning, of his family's business. This park — with its unnatural waterways and synthetic treehouse lodging — is meant to teach kids about ecology. About conservation.

It made perfect sense to us: In those dry seasons when nearby farmers' crops are withering in the Kansas sun, farm kids will be coming to the water park, glad there's a place to learn about that wacky H2O.

Pucking Around
The National Hockey League visited Kemper Arena Saturday night, and we had two tickets to the event, an exhibition game between the St. Louis Blues and the Nashville Predators.