Critical Fatwa

All hail Chuck D! Oh, how the uptight and old white pundits parsed his every word. From the days of "jungle rhythms" to the French riots today, the frightened, white and withered have shat themselves over black music. But some musicians deserve protection from the beshitted more than others do. So, for attempting in a recent column to tie in the French riots with gangsta rap, a fatwa on New York Times columnist David Brooks. And for happily giving the next generation of scared white men something to complain about, a co-fatwa on 50 Cent.

David Brooks, already thoroughly dissed by Slate.com, cannot understand that angry black men make gangsta rap, not the other way around. And now, with his autobiography and new film, 50 Cent has decided that even though he can't sell crack anymore, he can sell crack dealing. You are a song-and-dance man, Fiddy, not a gangsta. Time to grow up.

Fatwa! Brooks and Fiddy, scared white man and scary black man, dance forever in our culture. May you spend eternity locked in a room together. It is written.