Royal Flush

Las Vegas City Councilman Larry Brown says his city is ready for the Royals. "Las Vegas would be interested in considering anything when it comes to professional sports teams," Brown tells the Strip. A former minor-league pitcher himself, Brown notes that the players would prefer the big stage that his city offers. "Athletes have become superstars, and Vegas is the entertainment capital of the world."

Really, the Royals are a perfect fit for Sin City. Glass wouldn't even have to spend much money on a new logo — the team could just put its curlicue letters on a deck of cards emblazoned with a Royals flush.

It's not hard to imagine the new ballpark. Just past the Bellagio fountain, down by the faux Paris, would sit the new Cirque du Soleil Park. Instead of Interstate 70, the field would look out on the neon lights of the Las Vegas Strip.

Forget public funding. There's no law stopping the team from building its very own casino right there in the ballpark, says Jerry Markling, chief of the enforcement division at the Nevada Gaming Control Board. "Theoretically, it's possible to have a casino in a stadium," Markling says. "No doubt, it's an interesting concept."

And why stop at a casino in the concourse? There's no better way to pass the time during a tedious pitching duel than to feed quarters into slot machines built into the back of every chair. Imagine: field-level poker tables, craps in the box seats, bingo numbers called out over the PA system.

Beef on bun? No, baby, this is Vegas, where even the ballpark would feature a seafood buffet. This Friday, as the Las Vegas Royals take on the San Antonio Marlins, enjoy a $2.99 shrimp buffet — and the loosest slots in town!

The Las Vegas Royals would have no worries about Pete Rose-like betting scandals. In fact, the players could place their bets in the concourse, just like anybody else. Hint: Wait to place your wager until you hear which team the starting pitcher picks.

Besides, the city has a lot going for it without the Royals. We have a perennial contender in the Chiefs, an arena football team, a pro soccer franchise and an outside chance at landing a hockey club. There's the KU-Mizzou rivalry. And if you're really jonesing for a sports fix, check out the UMKC Kangaroos. Go 'Roos!

The Strip was just a shot of Jäger away from voting against the Save Our Stadiums tax. But before the bartender could bring more alcohol, three twentysomething dudes took seats at the end of the bar. All three of them wore Royals hats with frayed edges and dirt smears where they'd grabbed the brims over the years.

It was a reminder of what the teams mean to the city, and it got to the Strip's cold, cold heart.

For a couple of months now, this cutlet has been cranky over the fact that the stadium tax vote falls during the same week as opening day, that annual spring ritual of hopeless optimism. For one day, the fountains run blue and we all pretend it's worth rooting for our once-great team.

We all know what happens next. All those fans who pack the place on opening day spend the rest of the season praying that the Royals don't break records — the only records the team flirts with these days: losing streaks, most losses in a season, and years without a playoff appearance.

Hell, maybe the stadium taxes aren't such a bad idea. The Royals probably aren't going anywhere, and they could use a roof over their heads. A rolling roof, to hide the shame.