How to be a Kans-Ass

Late on a Wednesday night in North Kansas City, three women stood atop the bar at Moxie, vying for a chance to be Miss Kans-Ass City. As the DJ cued T.I.'s "Bring 'Em Out," a hot blonde pulled up the cuffs of her slender jeans to her knees and raised her shirt up to expose her taut midriff. The second contestant focused on micro-shaking her ass, while the third hooked her thumbs through her belt loops and pulled down her jeans to reveal the triangular top of her G-string.

Miss Kans-Ass City — which is the most awesome name for a contest ever — also coincided with ladies' night, so chicks got in for free, while guys paid $6. The Wednesday night humpfest continues through January 24. But even on one night there, we found ample evidence that bar-top antics take place at Moxie on a regular basis: a long, metal bar running across part of the ceiling for gripping purposes and a nearby sign cautioning "dance on the bar at your own risk."

Coyote Ugly might have gotten rejected from the Legends, but we're glad to see that its spirit lives on in NKC.

Located on North Oak Trafficway, Moxie has an exterior that resembles a Shoney's. The inside was actually pretty attractive, with painted red-brick walls and a light-wood bar that made up the medium-sized main room. In the front, a solarium held the dance floor and the DJ station. It's a good neighborhood bar with daily drink specials. And any place that offers $5 fruity drinks in fishbowls is all right with us.

We stationed ourselves at a high-top table in the main room and ordered that night's special, $2 domestic beer. Our friendly server, Mary, kept 'em coming with considerable aplomb. As we sat with research assistants Ben, Katie and Erica, one of the contest organizers came over and tried to get the ladies at the table to enter the rumpspringa. "It'll be a bonding experience," he said. The winners would receive a free photo shoot and then return at the end of the eight weeks to compete for $500 and a three-night trip to Florida.

Uh, photo shoot? Is that like Glamour Shots?

"No, it takes place at the bar," the guy said. They provide a makeup artist, but it's BYOW — bring your own wardrobe.

Tempted by the cash, bold, fearless RA Erica decided to represent our table and enter. "I ate a lot of fries to get this ass," she said. "McDonald's owes me." Erica signed a release form that forbid her from taking off her clothes and warned her against falling off the bar. (No one's toppled off yet, according to Scott, the contest's chief organizer.)

As we drank, we discussed strategy and eyed the rest of the bar to size up the competition. We noticed a woman flitting about in a skimpy red top. She also rocked the tight jeans, which had decorative faux holes on the back pocket, and a black straw hat adorned with skull-and-crossbones insignia. We were sure she was a competitor, so we struck up a conversation with 22-year-old Stephanie. We found out that she finished last year's contest as the "grand winner."

Our ass-sessment of Stephanie: we're no bookies (though we long to be), but odds were good that her scanty clothing would help her rank high again. Plus, we noticed her black-and-white thong peeking above her waistband, something that she could use to her advantage. We asked what her plan was for the night, and she replied: "I don't know. Get really drunk?"

A little later, we spotted Stephanie near the food-order pick-up window, lifting a leg up onto another woman and posing in semi-hump mode. Of course, this attracted a small horde of slobbering guys, who whipped out their cameras and cell phones to document the moment. Perhaps that was a smart move to garner votes, given that the winners would be determined by crowd noise. Hmm, how fiendishly ingenious of her.

In the meantime, a guy-heavy crowd started to filter in. We chatted briefly with 28-year-old Austin, who hovered at a table near us. He was practically getting whiplash from ogling the bevy of women in tight pants and clingy tops. He lives in Kearney and had never been to this contest before. We asked for his predictions, but he said the chick he had his eye on wasn't even entering the contest. Alas.

While we talked to Austin, another friend of ours who had entered the contest had to go to the DJ booth to say she wanted to shake it to "Baby Got Back." The DJ looked at her in disbelief.

"I'm not taking this seriously!" she said.

"You should! You're really cute!" the DJ answered.

Um, are you aware that we're at something called Kans-Ass?

Another guy hanging out by the DJ booth asked our friend what drugs she uses — pot, Ecstasy or black powder. Yeah, we're that much out of it that we have no idea what he meant by black powder. As he queried our buddy, he also started to rub up on her. All skeezed out, she fled. Later, we Googled black powder, which was no help: Our search turned up recipes for gunpowder and words such as saltpeter.