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Your favorite position is:
The Liberty Memorial (3)
The Paseo Bridge (2)
The Valomilk (1)
The Chastainer (0)

Your sex life is most closely comparable to:
A Chiefs playoff field-goal attempt: unbelievably easy and close, but the pole gets in the way (1)
A stroll along Brush Creek: intimate and romantic, but God, the smell! (2)
The 2007 mayoral race: thousands of candidates, none of them appealing (0)
The Sprint Arena: gorgeous, shiny, high-maintenance, expensive-looking – but ultimately empty inside (3)

Your current relationship most resembles that of:
Katheryn Shields and Phil Cardarella: Till incarceration do you part. (3)
Becky Nace and Husband No. 3: The quality of wedding presents has truly declined. (1)
Gary Lezak and Stormy: There’s plenty of loyalty and licking, but one of you is definitely in charge. (2)
Trent Green and Larry Johnson: You have chemistry, but you’re nowhere near the final dance. (0)

A night with you is like:
A ride down Kansas City streets with bad shocks – full of bumps and holes, baby! (3)
The penny slots at Harrah’s: only for the truly desperate (0)
Lunchtime at Penn Valley Park: absolutely satisfying, but nobody can know about it, OK? (2)
Dinner at Kona Grill: Sure, the atmosphere sucks and the lighting’s terrible, but it’s the freshest fish in town. (1)

The anatomy of your most recent partner resembles:
The Grandview Triangle (1)
Loose Park (0)
Sugar Creek (2)
Worlds of Fun (3)

Your or your partner’s package most resembles:
Lee’s Summit (2)
Rock Chalk Jaycock (1)
The MAX (3)
Hairy Truman (0)

You usually call the whole thing off when:
Your partner dominates you. You know, like downtown developers do Kay Barnes. (2)
Everything slows to a sleepy, stagnant pace -- kind of like the flow of the Missouri River. (1)
Your partner starts shrieking feverishly, but you can tell she’s faking. Like a Katie Horner forecast. (3)
It’s been a great night, and you’re feeling tipsy when you hear a whisper in your ear about how Jesus can save you and you should repent. Like a weekend out in Westport. (0)

The best place in KC to buy sex toys is:
Priscilla’s (3)
Out of the machines in the bathroom of Club 403 in KCK (1)
From a traveling Passion Party (2)
From Bryan Busby’s trunk (0)

You would most like to have phone sex with:
Brit expat Nick Haines – dig that foreign accent! (2)
Conservative radio host Jerry Agar – deliciously angry! (1)
Local blues and jazz singer Ida McBeth – for some sweet, sweet soulfulness. (3)
The Kansas City, Missouri, government’s Action Center (816-513-1313) – you never know who’s gonna answer, but they promise action! (0)

The most embarrassing thing to happen to you during sex was:
You realized you were wearing a pair of underwear older than Walt Bodine. (0)
You farted. Luckily, you live on the East Side, and it was covered up by the sound of gunfire. (2)
You forgot who you were with and called out, “Bonnie Sue Cooper!” (1)
No such thing, because you always know when to think about baseball, Robert’s Rules of Order or Hearne Christopher Jr. (3)

  


How you scored:

30-21: You can navigate the pitfalls of love like a MAX bus avoiding metal plates.
20-11: Going out tonight? Don’t forget your KC Free Health Clinic condoms.
10-1: Take a cue from Kansas City and open up a line of credit for a Power & Light-style overhaul. Someone’s got to love you, right?
0: You’re as popular as Fred Phelps at the KC Gay Pride Festival. Have you considered leaving that 810 Zone bar stool?
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