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And God Said ... Be a Man

Claven Snow was born a girl, found God as a woman and nearly died as a man.

As told to Justin Kendall

Published on May 23, 2007 at 11:04am

I couldn't tell you if God was a tenor, a bass or a soprano. There was no echoing, booming voice. But it wasn't small. The words just came to me. But not the way a thought comes to you. All I got were three words:
  • Provided by Claven Snow
    As Jessica, Claven Snow always wanted short haircuts, G.I. Joes and a boy's name.
    As Jessica, Claven Snow always wanted short haircuts, G.I. Joes and a boy's name.

Details:

Editor's note: Pitch staff writer Justin Kendall met with Claven Snow over a four-month period. He collected extensive interview notes that led to this article, a first-person account of Claven Snow's sex change.

Subject(s):

Claven, transgendered, KU Med Center, Lawrence

"End your transition."

I was walking through an alley on my way to work at Einstein Bros. in Lawrence. It was dark, maybe 2:30 in the morning in January. Every morning, I would walk to work and pray. But I hit a point where it was a one-sided conversation, which wasn't the way it had been. But I still prayed. I knew there was a reason that God wasn't talking to me.

Hearing those words stopped me in my tracks. I felt really uncomfortable. I tried to reason with God, but, of course, that was human reason, which doesn't stand up to divine foresight. I decided to drop it until later. I was like, We will revisit this after work. And we did. When I got home after work, I went to the basement and prayed.

I had mixed feelings about the message. I wanted to hear from you, God, but this isn't what I wanted to hear. Suddenly, abruptly, I'm expected to end my transition from Jessica to who I am today, Claven Snow.

Growing up, I would always try to pass as a boy. I would make beards out of shaving cream. I would make bow ties out of the bows my mother would put in my hair. I'd cut my hair short because Mom wouldn't take me in for short haircuts.

At first, I did not obey. I was praying the type of prayers that you hear prayed in Lamentations, where Jeremiah is like, "I know I'm never going to have peace until I listen and obey, but I don't care. I'll deal with that."

God broke it down. If I wasn't going to listen, He was going to withhold His presence from me. And that was horrible and heartbreaking. I was like, OK, fine, I will end my transition. I finally stopped taking testosterone in February 2005.

When I started presenting as a female again, I wasn't happy. Some people thought I was suffering from schizophrenia. But I wasn't. People asked me, "You're wearing a skirt. Do you identify as female now?" I wasn't going to tell them that God told me to stop my transition. People get committed for saying God spoke to them. If someone asked why I went off "T," I told them that I went off for spiritual reasons. If someone wanted me to elaborate, I'd tell them.

Then I started passing out. The first time I passed out was at home. I wasn't sure if I fell asleep watching TV. Then it happened at work. My boss encouraged me to go to the doctor.

When I found out that my heart valve would have blown and I could have died if I hadn't stopped taking testosterone, that explained everything to me. My transition was going to kill me physically, not spiritually. It turned out who I was was fine. What I was putting in my body wasn't. I felt that I got a pretty clear OK from God to start living as a man.

I didn't have insurance to cover heart surgery or money to post upfront. I had a hard time getting surgery because there were a few doctors who wouldn't see me because I didn't have any money. Isn't that creepy? If you don't have enough money, you can't get heart surgery and you die. How many people die waiting for surgery? A fair amount, probably. I have a really good doctor who searched around for a surgeon after surgeon No. 1 denied me. My surgery was on April 19, 2006.

For a week, I was at KU Med Center. They replaced my aortic valve, aortic root and part of my aortic arch. My aortic root and arch were totally chewed up. They weren't good anymore. The fact that they were so chewed up and not working caused the valve to fail. The root and arch were replaced with mesh tubing. My valve is made of space-grade plastic that's supposed to never wear out. If you get down near my chest, you can hear it click.

If I hadn't obeyed those three words, I wouldn't be here right now. There's obviously something more I'm meant to do. Daily, I try to discern what God wants me to do. It may not be anything big. It might be that I'm supposed to give a blanket to a homeless man who would die without it. It might be to preach the Gospel to someone who hasn't heard it. It could be any number of things.

I remember telling my mom that I wanted to change my name. She was in the kitchen making dinner in a big pan. She always cooked goulash and spaghetti in it. I was sitting in the doorway of the pantry. I was roughly 4 years old.

My given name is Jessica. I was never comfortable with that name. I never felt like it fit me.

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