The Lord Loves Metal

Albright's unique extemporary talents would make him the perfect MC for Phantasm Fest, the 20-band, two-day hard-rock extravaganza at El Torreon that begins Friday at 5:30 p.m. (For a full lineup, see the event's MySpace page.) However, being the organizer of the event means that he'll be too busy handling behind-the-scenes matters, so he agreed to provide advance introductions for several featured acts:

AngelsAmongUs: "Before Angels AmongUs, Wichita had nothing. Angels AmongUs literally colonized and founded Wichita, beginning a civilization based on crop harvesting, oil refining and Satan-destroying metal."

By the Sins Fell Angels: "Do you remember the first time you watched The Lion King, and Simba's father tries to rescue him from a pack of wildebeests, only to end up getting thrown off a cliff by his evil brother Scar? Remember how you felt for Simba when he found his dad dead in the canyon? What I'm getting at is that not enjoying By the Sins Fell Angels might mean you'll end up dead like Mufasa."

Colossus: "This band has something few metal bands have: a conductor. His name? Jesus Christ. Colossus is proof that the Lord hates gospel and loves technical death metal."

Diskreet: "I remember a time when people wouldn't give Diskreet the time of day because that name suggested this was a nu-metal band. Now not only has Diskreet redefined death metal, but also you can even find a video on YouTube of some stupid girl jumping on her bed while listening to them."

Fun Fact: "Here's a Fun Fact: 98 percent of the Kansas City hardcore scene doesn't support me adding Fun Fact to this bill."

Moiré: "A couple years ago, I sustained my first big physical injury by dislocating my left shoulder. What does this have to do with Moiré? It's their fault it happened. Thanks for not helping with my medical bill, dicks."

The Stars Couldn't Stop Us: "This band's name is obviously not metal at all. They make up for it by eating metal shavings and shitting titanium toasters."

Phantasm Fest. Friday, June 15, and Saturday, June 16, at El Torreon.