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Kansas City cops came clean last week, admitting that they had chosen not to enforce the city's new anti-panhandling ordinance. Police department higher-ups had determined the thing was unconstitutional, so the cops just said fuck it.

Here at the Department of Burnt Ends, we applaud the lawmen's decision to disregard the law. We'd like to see more cops ignore our minor transgressions. So in hopes of some forgiveness, we've searched the city ordinances for a few rules we'd like to see flagrantly snubbed.

The statute: Section 4.12 (f)

What it does: Restricts bar owners from hosting entertainment without written approval by the "supervisor of liquor and amusement control." The entertainment in question is described as "jukeboxes, pool tables, video and pinball machines, live musicians, go-go or exotic dancers, and stage shows or contests."

Why the cops should ignore it: Why should the man tell us when we can or can't knock a little silver ball into the likeness of Krusty the Clown until Bart yells "cowabunga"? And since when, in this free country of ours, can we not get a little love from a go-go dancer at our fine corner saloon? Lay off our stage shows, you fun-stealing fuzz.

The statute: Section 80-20 (110)

What it does: Bars anyone from engaging in sexual activity in adult-entertainment venues. The banned behavior includes "normal or perverted acts of human masturbation; deviate sexual intercourse; sexual intercourse; or physical contact, in an act of apparent sexual simulation or gratification, with a persons clothed or unclothed genitals, pubic area or buttocks, or the breast of a female; or any sadomasochistic abuse or acts including animals or any latent objects ... " The law also forbids any acts that "cause the bodily discharge of semen, urine or feces," except in bathrooms.

Why the cops should ignore it: Early Kansas Citians were so obsessed with sex that they even built the Liberty Memorial, the penis-shaped statue that juts over downtown as erect as Dirk Diggler. Our fair city earned its "Paris of the Midwest" moniker because of its Paris-quality bordellos. So let's bring back the heyday of KC with a little public hanky-panky. At the least, let's get some public masturbation. That's sure to help First Fridays.

The statute: Section 10-102 (b) (7)

What it does: Forbids gas stations, repair garages and service stations from serving liquor.

Why the cops should ignore it: We suppose our city leaders passed this silly ordinance to cut down on drunken driving. Apparently, they believed that gas stations offering a salt-rimmed margarita with a fill-up would cause accidents. Yeah, we have to give them that one. But hey, how cool would it be if QuikTrip gave out little frosty mugs of Boulevard as you gassed up? We're just saying.

The statute: Section 26.64 (b)

What it does: Criminalizes the sale of cigarettes that are out of their original packaging.

Why the cops should ignore it: We're talking to the smokers out there, the ones who always seem to be on the butt end of the bum, the ones who can't seem to get a break from that dude who's trying to quit but needs to borrow just one more. Instead, let's make a law that makes it illegal to bum a smoke without paying, say, a buck per cigarette. Yeah, now we're talking, you black-lunged cheapskate.

The statute: Section 10-104 (1) (b)

What it does: Requires restaurants and bars looking for a Sunday liquor license to prove that half of their sales come from food.

Why the cops should ignore it: Kidding aside here, this law sucks. Ever try to watch a Chiefs game with nothing to wash down your quesadillas but water with a lemon? For even thinking that shit, you deserve a slap from the ghost of Hank Stram.

Write Your Comment show comments (10)

  1. I see the point you are trying to make, but please tread with care. The liberty memorial is the only WW1 monument in the United States, it is covered with bricks enscribed with World War 1 veterans all over the grounds. You should clearly watch what you say, have some respect!

    Comment by Leslie — August 11, 2007 @ 11:44AM

  2. I agree with some of the rules listed here but I don't agree with what you have said about the anti-panhandling ordinance... I live here in midtown and it is total pain to go to any gas station or heck all you have to do is drive past any light and you will have people comming up to your car asking for money or a cig... I am sorry about their situation but come on how many of them are on the street because they decided that they wanted drugs or booze, came to work drunk or high and got fired, and their families decided that if they wanted the booze or drugs that they have to get out of their lives... so yeah let feel sorry for someone that as soon as you give them $5.00 to get a burger or soemthing else to eat and all they do is run to the liquor store or to their dealer to get their fix... So yeah it is so unconstitutional to stop them from the panhandling but isn't public intoxication and drug dealing a major problem in the midtown area??? well since I live in the area I can say "YES IT IS"!!!!! I can look out my front window and look out at the corner of 38th and Walnut and see drug deals going on all hours of the day and night, not to mention the people that I see stumbling by that are higher then a kite or drunker then a skunk, now granted all of the people that I see out at the corner are not asking for money when I go to the gas station BUT there are several that does... I know that if they were to enforce the panhandeling law it wouldn't stop it all the drug and drinking problems here in midtown but I am sure that it would decrease alot...

    Comment by Ryan — August 14, 2007 @ 01:12PM

  3. The language used in your artible You Go Copper was inapptoperate and i found it very desterbing that a profesional would use the F word in it

    Comment by richard — August 15, 2007 @ 10:07AM

  4. The language used in your artible You Go Copper was inapptoperate and i found it very desterbing that a profesional would use the F word in it

    Comment by richard — August 15, 2007 @ 10:07AM

  5. What a joke. The law is unconstitutional ? Determined by who the Courts? So lets see now KCPD is not only Law Enforcement but the Courts themselves. What happened to the separation of powers? I guess KCPD doesn't think it's unconstitutional that they are playing the role of the courts. Go Figure. :(

    Comment by william harris — August 19, 2007 @ 09:38AM

  6. This is a perfect example why people living in the downtown area are leaving. Condo / "Loft" living is not safe. You are confronted by homeless people all the time asking for money or bus transfers. You just do not feel safe in the downtown area especially at night.
    Apparently nothing is going to be done about the situation. What a shame since personal safety is such a big factor for a single professional woman. If the downtown revitalization project fails it will be no big secret as to why.

    Comment by Molly Ward — August 21, 2007 @ 08:31PM

  7. I don't live Downtown but I work downtown and I have to agree that it gets tiresome going to lunch and on the way having people getting in your face or following you asking for money. I'm just fed up with having to say NO every street block. Just because I have a job does not mean I'm made of money. I ride the bus to work because I'm trying to save what I can.

    Comment by Mike Dunbar — August 22, 2007 @ 03:03PM

  8. It's sad but true but the downtown area is run by the panhandlers and not the Kansas City Police. The panhandlers have no fear. I had my two children with me and was confronted twice by people saying they were hungry or needed money for a bus fare. I will NEVER go downtown again. My children were scared by the obvious intoxication of these people. My children are of prime importance to me. I will never put my children in a situation like that again.

    Comment by Niki Peterson — August 22, 2007 @ 09:59PM

  9. KCPD can't handle panhandling & they cant handle the gangbangers................gangs rule the Central.

    Comment by TooKOOL — August 25, 2007 @ 04:00PM

  10. KZPD is BBQ in the hood.
    87 thaz MF.
    KZPD iz 2 chiken to make a shoz in the hood.

    Comment by WQH — August 25, 2007 @ 04:48PM

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