Loyalty Catches On

When the Kansas Republican Party announced last month that it had formed a "loyalty committee" to crack down on any GOP members who dare support a Democrat, even ardent conservatives got a little red around the collar.

Then again, when your party is nearly bankrupt and your brightest stars are bailing ranks and winning for the opposite team, maybe it's not a bad idea to put the fear of God (or, in this case, Chairman Kris Kobach) back into the hearts of unfaithful members.

With that in mind, the Department of Burnt Ends came up with a list of others who might be served by a loyalty oath to keep their ranks in check. · Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser: Everyone on staff is prohibited from airing honest opinions about his wife, Gloria Squitiro, padding around the office in bare feet and starting newsletters with "Dear Folks."

· Downtown arena promoters: Sprint Center supporters must buy overpriced tickets for pop idols and aging rockers 20 years past their prime.

· Clothing designer Peggy Noland: Art scenesters cannot mention that her "innovative" clothing designs look like leotards from a 1982 Jane Fonda Jazzercise video.

· The Kansas City Star: Staffers must feign interest in the musings of spectacularly boring columnist Jeneé Osterheldt.

· Transit dreamer Clay Chastain: Any remaining friends he has (if any) must vote "no" on any repeal initiative — and refrain from jokes about Chastain's bug-looking sunglasses.

· The New Theatre Restaurant: During the run of this winter's Out of Order, starring former WKRP star Gary Sandy, co-workers will refrain from quoting Venus Flytrap.

· JoCo DA Phill Kline: Staffers must sign waivers agreeing to wiretaps in their offices and to fetch Phill a Slim-Fast when he's too busy posting propaganda on the DA Web site.

· Royals staffers and players: Forbidden discussions include David Glass' support of child labor, his decision to rid the team of such players as Johnny Damon and Carlos Beltran, and the much-missed Ewing Kauffman.