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Mark Funkhouser trudged through the downtown twilight. Construction workers had all gone home for the day, and he kicked at a chunk of concrete along the sidewalk in front of what, next spring, would be a fudge factory in the new entertainment district.

Funk was bummed. This whole mayor thing was turning out to be not so fun. Mostly, it was just one boneheaded early decision that kept coming back like too much red cream soda at Arthur Bryant's. His parks board was turning out to be a disaster, mostly because he hadn't done much of a background check on matronly ol' Frances Semler, who turned out to be a goddamned Minuteman.

First this enraged the local Latinos — understandably so, Funk thought, and he felt bad about it, but you can't just unappoint someone because you disagree with her political views. Now, two national organizations, La Raza and the NAACP, were threatening to cancel their conventions in Kansas City over the next few years. It could cost the town $15 million in convention business, just as downtown would be taking off. The expanded convention center, the new arena, this city-backed entertainment district — all of that stuff depends on every last tourist dollar to pay for itself!

Then, while the mayor was driving his kid to college on the West Coast, the board had killed a citizen-led push for a freakin' off-leash dog park. In crafting some new anti-dog-park rule behind closed doors and shutting off debate, the rookie parkers had violated everything Funkhouser thought he stood for.

Funk wasn't even sure what he stood for anymore. All he'd wanted to do was make the city run smoother, fix what was broken, spend money on things that matter and make people happier. All he'd ended up doing, it seemed, was make people madder.

Funkhouser would never let anyone see him in this state, but as he plodded dejectedly through the almost-finished Power & Light District, he didn't know what to do.

Then something strange happened. In the coral light of the sunset, an apparition began shimmering down the block. As he neared it, he could see that it was a bearded, gray-haired fat man in a tie-dyed shirt. Part of the middle finger on the man's right hand was missing.

"You called?" the vaporous man said in a small, raspy voice.

"Jerry Garcia?"

Funk, a pretty rational guy, had trouble believing what he was seeing. After all, Garcia had been dead for 12 years. "OK, a few weeks ago I told the Star that I'd rather see the Grateful Dead open at the Sprint Center instead of Elton John, but that was just a doofusy thing I told a reporter."

"You should be careful what you say, man. People take stuff seriously."

Funkhouser shook his head and just kept walking. This couldn't be happening.

Jerry floated alongside. "Trouble ahead, trouble behind, huh."

Funkhouser nodded.

Jerry held out an enormous joint.

Funkhouser stared at it for a second, caught a fragrant whiff. Yep, all of this was real. His heart sped up.

"Nah, thanks. But I could use some advice."

"Let me guess," Jerry said, and took a big toke. "Your mother sends back all your invitations. You're tired of yourself and all of your creations."

Funkhouser looked at him. "Sorta. One of my appointees is turning out to be more trouble than she's worth."

"I know. I've been watching the Semler stuff from on top of a rainbow parked out near Bonner. I wish they wouldn't have changed the name of Sandstone to some weird-sounding, made-up-name corporation. But I like this town. I always get off on hanging out at Volker Park. I liked what the kids wrote about me in chalk on the sidewalks, back when I passed."

"Jerry, you're rambling."

"Oh, man, sorry." He took another hit, contemplatively holding in the smoke. "That Semler stuff, that's not cool, man."

"I mean, I keep telling everyone: The woman has a right to her opinion," Funkhouser went on. "And if I got rid of her for having an unpopular opinion, then, hell, I could be forced to get rid of anyone with unpopular views on one social issue or another. Who determines what's politically correct? One day it's your side, but soon enough, it'll be the other side. So even though I disagree with her, I don't think it's ethically right to get rid of her."

"I dig that," Jerry said. "A friend of the devil is a friend of mine."

Funkhouser glared at him.

"That dog-park stuff, that's not cool, either," Jerry went on. "When you were running for mayor, you filmed a home video with your new little puppy to make the town think you had a heart."

"But I do have a heart!" Funkhouser's anguished scream echoed off the hard, shiny glass of the Sprint Center, bounced across to the Star's printing press and rippled all across the metro.

"Whoooaaa," Jerry said.

As the echo faded, they gazed out over the Interstate 70 canyon.

"You got your chips cashed in?"

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes your cards ain't worth a dime if you don't lay 'em down."

"Jerry, what are you talking about?"

"Look, I don't know about all this political stuff, but what if you just tossed out the whole board and started all over again?"

"What? Sweet sugar magnolias, Jerry. Are you out of your mind?"

"Aww, man. I may be high, but I'm no dummy. Think about it. From what I can see, this dog-park thing could work to your advantage. What did you say when you started your campaign? That the most important element of good government is transparency, right? The parks board broke your number one rule, man."

"You're right. They did."

"It was the whole board that screwed the pooches. And because they didn't appreciate the sacredness of open government and the democratic process, you could wipe the slate clean and name a whole new set of people who do. That would solve a lot of your problems, man."

Funkhouser looked down at the roach now smoldering between Jerry's thumb and forefinger. He rubbed his head, pulled at his goatee. This whole thing was just so uncomfortable. Maybe he was hallucinating. He wished he'd been hallucinating these past four months.

"You know," Jerry said, "it'd be the sort of bold move that people might expect from you. And respect you for. Besides, man, there's something spiritual about just starting clean."

He put the roach to his lips and sucked in the last hit of bud. "I'm outta here," he said. "I gotta go find some ice cream."

And with that, the fat man evaporated in a rainbow-colored sparkle.

Funkhouser headed back to City Hall. If he got home before daylight, he just might get some sleep tonight.

Write Your Comment show comments (9)

  1. I wonder how receptive LaRaza will be to smartass female journalistas when you Lefty crab lice get your way and the America we used to know has vanished. The only friend the freaks down at the Pitch will have is Godamned Minute Men and Gal types. La Raza...the Race? You really throw in with the best CJ...What..was The Order and The Klan not good enough for you? How you get by pissing in the face of the very people who buy your ads and keep you going astounds me. Whats the La Raza equivalent of Sieg Hiel? If we meet I'd like to know how to adress you.lol kinda

    Comment by brent — September 13, 2007 @ 09:22PM

  2. I agree with CJ, dump Semler. I voted for Funkhouser because he offered sound solutions to our cities problems, and he would help out the local economy by getting our priorities straight. I didn't vote for him to "make a statement" on a national debate. If it were just La Raza that had a problem with the Semler appointment I'd understand the Mayor's stubborness, but there are a lot of local citizens that have a problem with it too. Add the NAACP, and countless other future conventions that are watching this situation too, and I'd say it's about time to just get Semler out and move on with our plan to re-vitalize downtown. We've been trying to get our downtown out of third world status for a LONG time, and now we are finally getting closer, making some actual progress towards that goal, and we're going to let something like a Parks Board appointment get in the way? Sounds foolish. DUMP SEMLER ALREADY!!

    Comment by Jesse — September 14, 2007 @ 10:23AM

  3. Where are LaRaza and the NAACP when we really need them? Misuse of public funds has a much greater impact on their constituents than the public stance of a park board member. After all, what is the worst that Semler can do in her position? Keep illegals out of the parks?

    In today's world, it is economics that will move disenfranchised people to a higher standard of living. The stale protest of fingering a single, low-level public servant is impotent at best. Why not call out those City Council blacks and Latino members of the EDC Task Force who are not just as loud to demand a transparent accounting of tax dollars spent. We needed these two groups to:

    1. Demand public notification of SuperTIFs during the application process.

    2. Demand mandatory clawbacks to help taxpayers recover from unrealized projected revenue, especially if the TIF recipient leaves KCMO. Unpaid TIF is made up for by an increase in taxes to cover the loss.

    3. Demand for third-party feasibility studies to substantiate or refute claims made by prospective TIF recipients who use outlandish projections to gain large TIF contracts.

    4. Set aside a portion of TIF for KC residents who endeavor to become entrepreneurs, especially in the Jazz District. Even if the same monies cannot be available, many of the provisions of TIF should be extended to small business owners who live in KCMO.

    I am SO sick of groups like the NAACP using non-impact issues such as this as opportunistic publicity spots. They continue to detract the attention of their constituents from real opponents to our progress. But attacking real opponents to our progress might bite the (corporate and/or organized labor) hand they may one day want to feed them.

    Comment by Imani Malaika — September 16, 2007 @ 01:44PM

  4. Where are LaRaza and the NAACP when we really need them? (Janovy, WWJD? Pitch Sept. 13-19)Misuse of public funds has a much greater impact on their constituents than the public stance of a park board member. After all, what is the worst that Semler can do in her position? Keep illegals out of the parks?

    In today's world, it is economics that will move disenfranchised people to a higher standard of living. The stale protest of fingering a single, low-level public servant is impotent at best. Why not call out those City Council blacks and Latino members of the EDC Task Force who are not just as loud to demand a transparent accounting of tax dollars spent. We needed these two groups to:

    1. Demand public notification of SuperTIFs during the application process.

    2. Demand mandatory clawbacks to help taxpayers recover from unrealized projected revenue, especially if the TIF recipient leaves KCMO. Unpaid TIF is made up for by an increase in taxes to cover the loss.

    3. Demand for third-party feasibility studies to substantiate or refute claims made by prospective TIF recipients who use outlandish projections to gain large TIF contracts.

    4. Set aside a portion of TIF for KC residents who endeavor to become entrepreneurs, especially in the Jazz District. Even if the same monies cannot be available, many of the provisions of TIF should be extended to small business owners who live in KCMO.

    I am SO sick of groups like the NAACP using non-impact issues such as this as opportunistic publicity spots. They continue to detract the attention of their constituents from real opponents to our progress. But attacking real opponents to our progress might bite the (corporate and/or organized labor) hand they may one day want to feed them.

    Comment by Imani Malaika — September 16, 2007 @ 01:49PM

  5. If USA, Canadian, and Mexican politicians & law enforcement entities would enforce immigration & contraband laws already on their books (and citizens of the world would abide by those laws), there wouldn't be any need for a USA minuteman organization patrolling USA borders. Besides, the minutemen are trying to ensure ILLEGAL people are stopped, not people who have LEGAL status to be here.

    Comment by Legal Citizen — September 16, 2007 @ 05:18PM

  6. Im forced to agree with the comments from Legal Citizen. If you are to remove the member of the parks board based specifically on her being or have been a part of the minuteman organization, then it would be for purely political reasons. That would be a sad day. I may be a resident of Kansas but I will be moving to KCMO soon. I have followed Mr. Funkhousers progress and I really think he has the best intentions in mind. I would be disheartened if he were to be influenced by political reasons whereby abandoning what he thought was true, honest and most importantly, fair play. The only just causes for removing this person should be performance based. To remove her based solely on the fact that some organization doesn't like her being a part of another organization would defeat the principles that put Mr. Funkhouser where he is today.

    Comment by Rational Thought should prevail — September 18, 2007 @ 09:17AM

  7. Thanks for something besides bastardizing Mr. Funkhouser. He doesn't deserve all the crap from the Star...it's hard to be a stand up working man of the people. Barnes never did much for anyone but developers or the silver spooners. I think the mayor deserves respect and support, his ideas and hard work are admirable. God Bless Jerry.

    Comment by walter hodges — September 18, 2007 @ 09:56AM

  8. do what you belive in show the board out the door and start over. IT seems there against every thing you belive in .

    Comment by Alexis Marrs — September 18, 2007 @ 11:15PM

  9. Funkhouser shouldn't aquiesce to the demands of groups like La Raza or NAACP on the issue of his appointment to our Parks Board. NAACP doesn't even belong in the discussion. So what if Frances Semler is a member? Have we forgotten exactly WHY the Minutemen came into being? Semler is a Patriot in a good sense, not a la GWB's definition.

    La Raza has some nerve. So they come to KC and throw their money around. Has anyone bothered to discover what their agenda is? Straight from their website: "Private, non-profit, and non-partisan organization focused on reducing poverty and discrimination, and improving opportunities, for Hispanic Americans." What better opportunities than to open the border between America & Mexico! Non-profit? Does anyone know the difference between non-profit and not-for profit? And I guess non-partisan is a sham as well when you consider they're now throwing their weight around and seeking to (adversely) influence our fair city's mayor. DON'T DO IT, FUNK! DON'T GIVE IN TO OUTSIDE INTERESTS! Instead, get the Chamber together, send out your minions and sell the hell outta KC. Don't let this one test stop you in your tracks, and don't give in!

    Comment by Jubie — September 26, 2007 @ 01:40PM

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