Saddle Up

We wandered around by the gift shop. That's where I spotted a guy in a red T-shirt getting all handsy with a woman in a micro denim skirt. After a brief makeout session, the woman flirtily ran out one of the side doors onto the patio. He chased her, and we followed him. When we finally caught up with them, they were canoodling in another doorway. Then she gave him a seductive look and slipped back inside.

I stepped in to interrupt the luv chase. That's when I met Derman, the guy who claimed always to have gotten lucky, makeoutwise, at the Ranch. I asked the 24-year-old to explain his pickup technique. "Smile. Look like a thousand bucks. Look classy," he said. We wondered where his makeout partner had gone. "She's sweating her balls off. She's always dancing on the bar," he replied.

Just then, she reappeared and introduced herself as Sarah. She told us that she and Derman had a love affair going on for 10 months, despite the fact that she's been seeing someone for a year. The friendly blonde told us to catch "the Jane and Sarah show" — she and her friend were going to dance on the bar and act out the songs. Later, we caught her on the bar with Jane; before we left, we saw her again, face to face with another guy.

After that bit o' drama, we decided to leave. It was close to last call, so I settled my tab before the rush. As we walked out, we spotted a guy passed out on a bench. Two cops hovered nearby while his friends woke him up. I knew how he felt. Theme park or not, Saddle Ranch was definitely a dizzying ride.