Maw Knows Best

The mix tape or CD has been an immaculately conceived Christmas gift for ages. Unfortunately, maudlin holiday cuts by the likes of Sufjan Stevens and Bright Eyes place the curator squarely at risk for a manger-inflicted head wound. We sought the council of Kit Cole and Katie Conrad of Lawrence's old-timey string band MAW to compile a grittier collection of would-be classics. Think of it as an anti-Christmas mix, with a better sense of humor than Manheim Steamroller. (On second thought, Chip Davis is pretty funny, too.) Your Secret Santa will thank you.

Biggest Body Count in a Christmas Song: "1913 Massacre" by Woody Guthrie. It's even a bit too grim for MAW, and that's saying something. The copper bosses yelled "fire" at a Christmas party of copper miners — then blocked the exits. The body count is 73 children. Ho-ho-ho.

Song Most Likely to Inspire an Anonymous Call to Child Protective Services: "What'll I Do With the Baby O?" (traditional). First two lines: What'll I do when the baby cries?/Stick my finger in the baby's eye. Conrad says she got a lot of odd looks while playing that one when she was pregnant.

Best Love Song With a Reference to Cannibalism: "The Silk Merchant's Daughter" (traditional). A ship runs out of provisions, and the passengers draw lots to decide who will eat the silk merchant's daughter. A young man offers himself up instead. When they're all saved, the two get married. MAW doesn't do this one, but the cannibalistic love song is an underappreciated genre.

Best Dance Song About Mining Disasters: "Dark as a Dungeon" (traditional). MAW discovered that speeding up the tempo makes for a perky waltz. Dip your partner on One slip of the slate, and you're buried alive!

Saddest-Sounding Happy Song: "Chewing Gum" by the Carter Family. When MAW guitarist Tracy Floreani first heard it, she thought, That song is so sad ... what is she singing about? The relationship between love and gum chewing is unclear. MAW's version is a little less mournful.

Best Fiddle Tune That Should Be About Pirates But Isn't: "Highlander's Farewell" (traditional). MAW had a kids' show but no kids' songs, so MAW just said this fiddle tune was "a song about pirates." The kids bought it, so now it's known as "The Pirate Song."

Best Song in Which the Gal Gets It for No Reason: MAW often has a hard time choosing from the long list of murder ballads. "Pretty Polly"? "Banks of Red Roses"? "Knoxville Girl"? "Willow Garden"? If there's a motive, it's usually jealousy or pregnancy — but there often isn't.