News

Double-Odd '07

The Department of Burnt Ends thanks you for making it so easy to find this year funny.

JANUARY

The Wallflower Candidate

January 20: Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback announces his campaign for president, promising to out-right-wing everyone else.

FEBRUARY Death Is Always a Drag

February 1: After a decade of decadence and drowning in debt, Ron Megee closes Late Night Theatre. No more drag-queen Valley of the Dolls. No more all-male Stepford Wives. No more tears. Enough is enough.

MARCH

Shauntay the She-Male?

March 13: Police issue a photo of accused murderer and supposed villainous gang member Shauntay L. Henderson without any hair, suspecting that the 5-foot-5-inch, 130-pound woman is passing as a dude. Alas, the closing of Late Night Theatre prevents the theatrical telling of this Shauntay twist.

APRIL

Dog Bites Man; Man Bites Back

April 6: After a Lab named Muttsy bites a fire inspector, Kansas City Animal Control officers sentence Muttsy to 10 days of house arrest. There's no word on whether Muttsy was housebroken during the sentence.

MAY

Anarchists Work for the Man

May 26: Police tell members of the Kansas Mutual Aid that their services aren't appreciated in Greensburg, Kansas. So they volunteer to clean up tornado debris strewn in a field. Turns out, the guy who owns the place is the county's richest landowner. Oddly, no anarchy ensues.

JUNE

Kansans: As Big As You Think

June 22: Hash House A Go Go opens in The Legends. The restaurant's concept: serving freakishly gigantic portions of food on plates that weigh 7 pounds empty.

JULY

The Adventures of Floating Artists

July 21: A band of artists builds a raft made from recycled materials and shoves off from Kaw Point to sail to the Gulf of Mexico. Seeing their sagging bow and meager provisions, onlookers hope the artists don't sink before their cell-phone batteries run out of juice.

Next on the Lifetime Channel ...

July 31: Police nab two slack-jawed Blue Springs women for kidnapping a pregnant woman and trying to steal her baby by inducing labor. Their method for early birth? Bouncing on the bound woman's stomach. They are not successful.

AUGUST

It's My Pity Party

August 18: Star columnist Jeneé Osterheldt bursts into tears and obsesses about what her life "should have been, would have been and could have been" as she turns 28. She furtively searches Barnes & Noble's self-help section, where she finds solace in The Secret — but she still cries about her hair.

SEPTEMBER

Floating Artists Boarded

September 15: Having journeyed 1,000 miles, the rafting artists are pulled off the river by the Coast Guard, which deems their bike-powered craft unworthy of the Mighty Mississippi. Natives of a small Mississippi town befriend the raft crew and help them bulk up their unlikely vessel.

The Case of the Headless Mascot

September 26: Vandals decapitate the Fiberglas bull mascot of the American Royal. Police have no suspects, despite rumors of a trail of barbecue sauce leading away from the scene.

OCTOBER

Nobody Would Dance With Him

October 19: Brownback ends his campaign for president. Voters everywhere ask one question: "Who?"

God Rejoices

October 31: A Maryland jury orders the Rev. Fred Phelps to fork over $11 million to Albert Snyder. Phelps and his church members had picketed the funeral of Snyder's son, a Marine killed in Iraq. God, it seems, doesn't hate dead soldiers.

NOVEMBER

OK, Maybe Not That Big

November: Hash House A Go Go closes. Its first customers finally finish their doggy bags.

Garth-o-Rama

November 12: Garth Brooks' seventh show at the Sprint Center is clearly the best of his nine-show series.

Meredith Hoenes: No Longer Famous

November 16: KSHB Channel 41 cancels the midmorning Kansas City Live booster show. Still to come: The "Where's Darren?" segment becomes "Who's Darren?"

Queer Eye for the Steer Guy

November 17: Carson Kressley, the flamingest of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy entourage, serves as honorary chairman for the American Royal's $100-a-plate Black Tie and Tails benefit. Thus begins a new era of improved relations between gay men and rural livestock auctioneers.

DECEMBER

Don't Bogart That Toad, Dude

December: Clay County officials announce the arrest of a 21-year-old accused of intending to smoke the venom of a Sonoran Desert toad. The venom is loaded with a hallucinogen. Parents everywhere search their children's mouths for warts.