Sex Edition

Conley compares the monogamy-only message to adults with abstinence-only sex education for teenagers. The two ideas, she says, cause people who can't live in a monogamous relationship to suffer from guilt and a potentially dangerous habit of cheating. "If it's not serving its health purpose, then we need to scrap the monogamy-only message."

Conley saw that very little research had been done on polyamorous relationships and that most of what was available was years out of date. None of it seemed to focus on health factors.

So Conley, along with Amber Hinton, a graduate student in psychology, is preparing a detailed survey. She hopes the results will answer questions about whether it's safer to be involved with more than one person. The survey will also question whether a relationship is invigorated when one member seeks outside companionship, and if having multiple relationship roles can actually make a person happier.

If polyamorous relationships do tend to include people who are as safe and happy sexually, it'll open new questions about how we deal with complex emotions.

"I do feel somewhat outside of normal researchers," Conley says. "My grad adviser said, 'You don't want to go on the job market as a sexuality researcher. The projects can require an enormous amount of work and patience. It has to be something you really just want to find out.'"

There's the chance that reaction to her latest study could single her out in other ways, if it turns out that people might be healthier with more partners.

"I do sometimes worry what will happen if my hypothesis is supported," she says. "Someone could take it badly, as [if it's an attack on] some religious or moral argument. But it isn't about saying something is moral. It's about presenting the truth."

If Conley can change the perception of polyamorous relationships, perhaps more people will come forward with their real names. But for the sake of privacy, let's not call this couple by their real names. Louise was 19 and Owen was 22 when they got married. They were together eight years before Louise had an affair. They spent a year in counseling, during which Owen attempted to forgive her and Louise tried to work out feeling trapped in her marriage. Then they lived apart in a trial separation that lasted almost a year. Louise didn't want to lose him, but she knew she didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship.

They moved in together again, and one night, as they undressed for bed, she told Owen that they needed to talk. "I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to our marriage. And I know I want to stay with you. But I also know I'll have a hard time staying faithful." She suggested an open relationship.

Owen didn't say anything at first. Finally, he said, "I think I'm going to need to be alone." He put his clothes back on and left.

Louise lay in bed waiting for him, figuring it was the end of the marriage. Sometime after dawn, she woke to the sound of Owen coming home. She ran into the living room.

Owen looked at her. "OK," he said, "let's try it."

First, they had to agree on rules. Neither was allowed to go on a date if the other did not have a date the same night at the same time. Each had veto power over the other's choice of date. Each had to be home by midnight.

Based on what Conley has seen, this is a common arrangement for polyamorous relationships. Establishing ground rules is important to sustain the primary relationship, Conley says. She expects the answers to her survey will help better understand how rules govern polyamorous relationships. It's one area — communication — where polyamorous couples might have monogamous couples beat, she says.

"Monogamy tends to have more general assumptions about what's supposed to happen," Conley says. "If you have to tell your partner what you want sexually, you burst the romantic bubble that they know exactly what you want. If you're in a polyamorous relationship, you're forced to deal with it."

Whereas couples like Spawn and Chell might invite Tank into their bed, Louise and Owen have had predominately one-on-one sexual encounters, without the other around.

Louise was able to get a date almost immediately. There was a guy at the office she'd been flirting with for months who was in an open relationship with his girlfriend. Owen, meanwhile, decided to go to a swinger's club.

They left the house at the same time. Louise was nervous about what her husband was about to do, and a little jealous.

Louise arrived at her date's house wearing jeans. She didn't expect to go out.

"We sat on his bed and talked about work and relationships, and I stopped feeling nervous after a while," she said. "Then he reached over and kissed me."

Louise and Owen were both home by midnight, honoring their agreement. She didn't know what his reaction would be.

"So, did you have a good time?" Louise asked.

"Yeah. It was really different and really weird. Did you have a good time?"