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Recent Articles By Gustavo Arellano

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Dear Mexican:

Mexicans are angry that the United States might protect its own borders and make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these Mexicans. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and done the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hardworking and honest — except for when I broke into your house."

The Mexicans then say: "You are required to let me stay in your house! You are required to add me to your family's insurance plan! You are required to educate my kids! You are required to provide other benefits to me and to my family! (My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hardworking and honest, except for that breaking-in part!)

"If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends, who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there!

"It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hardworking and honest person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house And what a deal it is for me! Sucker! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish and bigoted behavior.

"Oh, yeah, I demand that you to learn my language so you can communicate with me!"

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is? Señor Mexican: I respect your opinion on most things — unless you're screwing it up with all of your angry racism — but I thought I'd get your take on it and see if you've got the guts to print such propaganda that seems to be so contradictory to your belief system. Well, cabrón: You got the frijoles, o qué?

Denver Dimwit

Dear Gabacho:

"Angry" racism? My racism is rather jovial, Dimwit. And not only do I have the frijoles to answer your question — I have a whole olla.

If I earned a peso for every time one of your amigos forwarded me the above riddle, I could finally sneak in my last 86 cousins. Everyone can see that the scenario you presented is ridiculous because its main suppositions are all wrong.

Mexicans will never do a job without prompting or prior negotiating, so your theoretical Bueno Samaritan arranged your house with your implicit approval.

Nowhere in your narrative did I see evidence of you rejecting the labor the Mexican offered. Did you undo your beds and gunk up the dishes in protest? On that note, I've yet to hear about gabachos forsaking the cheap produce, late-night janitorial services and the many other pleasantries of American life brought forth by the sweat and strain of illegal labor.

Mexican illegals are more than willing to pay for the services you cited, but your Republican amigos won't allow them to pay all the taxes citizens do — until they do, are you going to unmake your bed?

And who says you have to learn Spanish? According to you, those protesting Mexicans made their demands in English.

A plea to all Know-Nothings: Spare us Aztlanistas your mixed metaphors, mangled clichés, Homeric similes and all the other folksy bullshit that ustedes use to boil down a complex issue into forwarded e-mail claptrap. Stick to stats. And is it too much to ask for you guys to use real ones as opposed to whatever flashes on Lou Dobbs' teleprompter?

The Mexican now offers ustedes an online-only question every week through the powers of a pirated camcorder. Submit your video preguntas and responses to youtube.com/askamexicano, and find a link to the latest edition every week alongside my regular column at Pitch.com. Preference given to spicy señoritas! Or, as always, submit your questions at mexican@pitch.com. Letters will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!

Write Your Comment show comments (6)
  1. Don't bother correcting my spelling I'm a hard worker and Female.... Sooo, when I go to work for a group of Mexicans that own a NICE business and THEY agree on my Estimate of $175.00 PER LOAD to REMOVE 4 TREES. So 7 Truck Loads of Tree Branches,LOGS and Twigs on a 16 foot Trailer STACKED 4 FEET TALL AND FIVE FEET HIGH and $75.00 I paid to DUMP EACH LOAD. Not to mention the fact that I have to put the Brush ON the Truck , then Remove it at the dump. SOO, I get done after 2 very hard back Breaking Days and give THEM the Bill and they SAY "I THOUGHT YOU MEANT $175.00 FOR ALL THE TREES. HA HA HA HA HA HA... WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND..." THEN THEY START TO COMPLAIN!!! " WE COULD HAVE HAD SOMEONE DO ALL THAT WORK FOR $300.00." WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO! THANK GOD I'M A CHURCH GOER. F THEM AND THEY CAN ALL GET DEPORTED........... SEE IF I CARE! THEY DONT PAY! GO BACK TO MEXICO...

  2. Can't we all figure out a way to work together? After all we are the "Land of the free" so let's welcome all who carry their weight. We can all do much better if we all put our minds to a positive change. I know if I were trying to take care of my family and I ended up in Mexico I would like for that country to give me a chance to support my family.

  3. ya, my beef.......mexicans have no honor, they piss on america, you cant trust them, cause they are two face,-(they wont speak english) you ahve to have a passport to go to Mcdon. have the time, the food sucks, they are rude, socially insecure, they brought their poverty mind set up here, they are going too destroy the health care system, they are like rabbits breed every where and want hand outs. and the few who are here in the states from being honorable, got educated and live normal lives will suffer along with the rip offs. that is sad the good ones suffer with the buttheads. i have tried to be friends with mexicans, it is impossible, why wont they put on something that smells or looks half way nice. im poor, but at least i try, i dont want them in my yard, my house, my car im not a racist, hard to be when your asian, im sick of this crap, how can a nation be so poor like mexico....simple they are idiots, and NOW there voting for leadership, here, WHAT! so we can be like Mexico POOR NATION, POOR PEOPLE. CRIME EVERYWHERE, AND NASTY FAT LOOKING WOMEN, WHO STINK....take a shower please. America use to be
    now Amercia will never be, ....thanks to 90% of mexicans, well ya, thats about right. go home, we dont need you or want you.
    i blame the united states goverment, most of all , the booth houses, they are in there for 25yrs, and dont do shit. if i see on in my house, your dead. i say send all home, set up machine gun nest, gun the loosers down, less mess. if they come in by sea sink em let em drown, let the sharks have dinner. i will never protect them , honor them, feed them, help them, instead of fighting Iraq, we should have gone into Mexico bomb the hell out of them, take what ever oil we can , then nuke em, they will come to kill our women someday, i will be ready,

  4. DEAR MEXICAN,

    WHY DON'T YOU INVESTIGATE HOW ILLEGALS IN MEXICO ARE TREATED WHEN THEY ENTER MEXICO ILLEGALY. YOU WILL FIND THAT UNLESS THEY HAVE BIG MONEY TO PAY THE BRIBES TO THE OFFICIALS THEN THEY ARE PUT IN JAIL.

  5. Well thanks for the enlightment on your pittyful thoughts. I'm ashamed of everyone that has something against hispanics in general. Come on people not just MExicans are illegal. Some of you Russias, Asians, Africans, Canadian, all from other nations are illegal just as well. Why is it that the mexican has to be so piss poor, and the bottom of the barrel, and the last on the list to get a damn visa..if that is what you wanna call it. Plenty of illegals got Visa's, mastercards, discover cards, casino cards. I think it's quite funny because their are other issues at front. I'm so glad that I am native american an I am at home. Not everyone deserves to be here, you white people stole it from us, and made it a land of the free. Then you started paying off asains to come here with their disease infested self and pay them to set up shops and well as other nations that had no other place to seek refuge. So you all done this to yourself, I'm a God fearing person and choose not to hold any grudges against anybody or their personal thoughts. So in your future comments remember some of you and your hatefulness are going straight to hell. I'm sorry to be this rude but you all if not native american came here how? Okay someone in your family was looking for a way out of their country, them people brought all the diseases and spread them amongst us.. IF it was up to me I would say go to your native countrys your no longer needed here.

  6. The way it should be done.
    The United States should close its borders and bring home troops stationed in Europe. People crossing the border should be treated as an act of war. We should take away diplomatic immunity while we are at it too because no country protects us. If you are found in this country, we should just send you back unless you resist. If you resist you should be shot on sight - after all this is war. If actually caught crossing - shoot first ask questions later - again it is an act of war.
    As far as the Native American talking trash about who was here first. You lost so get over it. And by the way welcome to the 21st century instead of living in prehistoric times. Maybe we should just invade Mexico so Americans will not be treated so bad done there and we can get that toilet into the 21st century.
    By the way – I am a military-retired Mexican American whose family came here legally.

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