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KC's been snubbed by conventioneers, so the Department of Burnt Ends has developed a list of alternatives. And, oh, are they alternative.

Published: March 13, 2008

Kansas City has taken an economic hit as groups such as La Raza have withdrawn their conventions over a spat with Mayor Mark Funkhouser. It's a shame to waste our revitalized downtown, so the Department of Burnt Ends has compiled this list of lesser-known groups and conventions that could call Kansas City home.

Anthrocon

Web site: Anthrocon.org

The world's largest gathering of anthropomorphs — those who dig seeing adults dressed as animals — drew nearly 3,000 plush-costumed conventioneers to Pittsburgh in 2007.

Pros: Boon to local fabric stores and arts and crafts stores, as honey- and bourbon-fueled teddy bear orgies and limited peripheral vision result in any number of rips and tears.

Cons: Police reports for stolen picnic baskets skyrocket.

American Ferret Association

Web site: Ferret.org

Nope, this isn't about who has the cutest weasel. This serious-sounding conference delves into ferret-protection programs and education for ferret vets.

Pros: A healthy musk of ferret oils covering the normal smell of downtown Kansas City for one weekend.

Cons: A healthy musk of ferret oils covering the normal smell of downtown Kansas City for one weekend.

Association of Independent Competitive Eaters

Web site: CompetitiveEaters.com

The Web site of this conference bills it as a way to "establish the use of Competitive Eaters as a viable marketing tool and to increase public awareness and acceptance [of the] sport."

Pros: Finally, athletes to call the Sprint Center home.

Cons: Weekend warriors at Oklahoma Joe's and Arthur Bryant's become convinced they can live their own Rocky stories by upping their already dangerous pork intake.

American Association for Nude Recreation

Web site: AANR.com

The group boasts nearly 50,000 members in North America.

Pros: We like bowling. We like it better without our pants.

Cons: Absolutely none.

Hobo Foundation

Web site: Hobo.com

Currently meeting annually in Britt, Iowa, the foundation develops bylaws for hobo life.

Pros: Entertaining stories about the vanishing railroads.

Cons: Every trash can in the city will be set ablaze.

Stop Clown Porn Now

Web site: StopClownPornNow.org

This fledgling group has yet to find a city to support its convention.

Pros: Getting in on the ground floor of the movement, Kansas City will greatly improve its national image for tolerance.

Cons: Local specialty stripper "Handsome Lulu" might lose already sparse bachelor-party bookings.

Official Patrick Swayze International Fan Club

Web site: PatrickSwayze.net

Need we say more?

Pros: If recent health reports regarding the Road House star are true, this could become an annual mecca for Swayze fans.

Cons: Continuous playing of Swayze's hit song, "She's Like the Wind."

International Association of Gay Square Dance Clubs

Web site: IAGSDC.org

There are nearly 60 clubs nationwide, including the Sho-Me Squares here in KC.

Pros: An opportunity to reject gender stereotypes and celebrate the human spirit.

Cons: Kansas City's precious flannel stockpile ruined by hot glue, glitter and Bedazzlers.

American Sniper Association

Web site: AmericanSniper.org

“The Association provides,” its Web site describes, “a collective voice for the sniper community.”

Pros: Steep drop in street crime as fear of sudden retribution, as if by the hand of God, lingers in everyone’s mind.

Cons: We become dependent on cheap law enforcement from men named “Merle” who have problematic histories involving corn liquor.