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National Features >
City Pages
Michele Bachmann, Unmuzzled
You don't need to read Sarah Palin's book to hear the ravings of a mad woman.
By Matt Snyders
Miami New Times
Pimp Daddy
The rise and fall of a chubby sex-cult leader.
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Riverfront Times
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Tom was a hot-tempered cross-dresser with a garage full of guns--and then he became Rachel.
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Dallas Observer
The Fight for Texas
Rick Perry and Kay Bailey Hutchison are locked in a battle over the soul of the GOP. They're also running for governor.
By Sam Merten
Goodbye, Royals!
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Published on June 03, 2008 at 3:48pm
It's that time of year again, when the Royals fade into obscurity with the likes of the Tampa Bay Rays. Wait, the Rays are batting for first place this year? Well, OK, it's that time of year when the Royals fade into obscurity alone, apparently. Now in last place, the boys in blue may become desperate to attract fans. So the Department of Burnt Ends offers up this prediction of the team's future.
June 23
The Royals hope to distract fans from their losing record with increasingly desperate promo nights. Tonight: clothing-optional hot-tub party!
June 27
Facing rival St. Louis, the Royals bring in the Beach Boys for a concert with fireworks. Game to follow may or may not be played.
July 8
Desperate promos continue with "strip-poker baseball," with Royals players dropping an article of clothing for every strikeout, error or run allowed. Tony Peña Jr. plays the ninth donning nothing but a chewing-tobacco wad.
July 21
Cross-promo with another losing team — Sprint — means the first 2,000 fans get phones with spotty service.
August 4
Trey Hillman blasts fans for not participating in group cheers, setting off balloons or performing other inspiring rituals he saw while managing in Japan.
August 22
Owner David Glass rejects trade offers for Mark Grudzielanek, confusing the veteran infielder for broken-down slugger Mike Sweeney.
August 27
Closer Joakim Soria takes side job as a Casey Affleck impersonator.
September 15
Bowing to pressure to hire Barry Bonds, the Royals employ a cardboard cutout of the steroid king. Drawing walks, the cutout's on-base percentage becomes the team's highest.
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