In the new economy, even jackasses have to work a little harder

While Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius' silver hair was frosting The New York Times last week and sources were calling her President Obama's first choice to be secretary of health and human services, we noticed that Lt. Gov. Mark Parkinson seemed to be increasing his visibility with a few e-mailed press releases about the kind of stuff Sebelius' office would usually address. Boy, is he gonna get it when the boss gets back.

Of course, Sebelius is so over Kansas, and you can't blame Parkinson for taking a little initiative, showing some Midwestern gumption. That's the word your Great Depression-surviving grandparents used to use while picking the locusts out of their hair, wiping the dust off their faces and inventing the FDIC. Nowadays, it just means finding new ways to remind everyone you're an asshole, without even Twittering.

Anything fragile, liquid, hazardous or fetal?

This isn't really about Phill Kline. When you get down to it, very little in life is about Phill Kline. Check your hymnal, your Bible, your Nostradamus — God's crusading agent for the unborn isn't there. In fact, Kline's not in Kansas anymore, either. Maybe someone should tell Brian Burgess, Kline's far more earthbound former spokesman.

Here's the part that's about Kline, who remains crazy attached to the records of his (and, you know, God's) bête noire: Wichita abortion doctor George Tiller. The Wichita Eagle reported late last week that before Kline left office as Johnson County district attorney, he tried to mail some medical records cited in the Tiller case to Lynchburg, Virginia. That's where the one-time officer of the Kansas court is now teaching at the late Jerry Falwell's Liberty University.

The box ended up back in Kansas. Tiller's attorney Dan Monnat wrote in a court filing: "Kline never received the box in Virginia, only because the address on it was insufficient for delivery."

The postal carriers in Virginia must not yet be familiar with that extra-l-in-his-name thing.

Ashley Anstaett, a spokeswoman for the Kansas Attorney General's Office, confirmed parts of the story when The Pitch's Justin Kendall contacted her. Anstaett said that when the box arrived back in Kansas, an investigator with the Johnson County District Attorney's Office locked up the records and called the Kansas Attorney General's Office.

Tiller's counsel is now asking a Sedgwick County judge to dismiss the misdemeanor charges against him because of Kline's alleged conduct.

Abortion, doctor, lawyer, records, court, documents, blah, blah, blah. But wait, let's not forget Burgess. Here is his unsolicited response to Kendall's initial Plog post:

"As I understand what happened here, when the court/judge in Wichita wrapped up the proceedings last month, they mailed Kline's personal documents back to him at the JoCo DA office. The unopened package was forwarded to Liberty University in Lynchburg, which returned to sender because Kline wasn't there yet. When the package came back to the DA Office, it was opened and they pulled out 4 items of Kline's personal property and two items that the court in Wichita should have sent separately. But only THEN did things get interesting ... the AG office was notified, and they notified Tiller's attorneys, who, for the past couple of weeks worked on affidavit, a legal brief and a press release, all which landed today in the Kansas media. All this time, not a single call to Kline or his attorney, by either the media or the attorneys involved, until the false story was already spreading like wildfire in the no-longer-credible Kansas media.

"I really don't miss some of you dipshits at all. Have fun in your world of make-believe."

Future public-relations flacks, take note: That's how you throw an elbow, even after you're off the payroll.

Shovel Ready

You know what U.S. Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer and U.S. Sen. Kit Bond are into? The economic stimulus bill they voted against.

Last week, the political blog Talking Points Memo noted Luetkemeyer's hypocrisy.MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, on his Febru­ary 18 Countdown, hammered Bond and named the senator that day's "Worst Person in the World."

After Luetkemeyer tried to bury the bill, he dropped by his district to hang out with Truman State University President Darrell Krueger and, TPM reported, discuss "the educational benefits of the economic stimulus package."

Way to dig in and put in the overtime, buddy.

Meanwhile, Missouri's senior senator was barnstorming the Show-Me State, showing off the Obama treasure he was sending home. That set off Olbermann.

"He voted no," the volatile broadcaster said. "Not only did he vote no, but last week he put out another press release insisting that the bill, the stimulus, would only stimulate the debt. It stimulates the growth of government, but it doesn't stimulate jobs. Senator, are you lighter on your feet, do you find, because you're not weighed down by any principles?"

Keith, if you knew him like we did, you'd know: You have to live with the grease if you want the bacon.

Going All Knight

In The Pitch's sex issue a couple of weeks ago, staff writer David Martin called bullshit on abstinence-until-marriage programs that cock-block truthier forms of sex ed in public schools. Among the offenders: the Kansas City, Missouri, School District's Choosing the Best program, which a 2004 congressional report faulted for understating the effectiveness of condoms.