Thursday, March 23, 2006

Van Superfan

Posted By on Thu, Mar 23, 2006 at 9:24 AM

KCUR's Cyprus Avenue deejay Bill Shapiro's top 5 reactions to hearing Pay the Devil, the new Van Morrison country album:

5. Clears his throat so forcefully that a fist-sized lump of phlegm rockets out of his mouth and knocks over a lamp.

4. Dresses a supermarket turkey in a bra and wig, cuddles with it for three hours (until it begins to turn), calling it his "brown-eyed girl."

3. Begins thinking of all the ways he can use the word "legendary" in describing Van on his next episode of Cyprus Avenue. (Decides not to mention the singer's legendary, pendulous breasts, even though, in 1976, Shapiro built shrine to them out of his own earwax.)

Bill Shapiro

2. Having spent all day with the album, in the middle of the night, Shapiro launches into a Van-esque extended, repeating vocal riff in his sleep. Unfortunately, he'd also listened to "Let it Bleed" by the Rolling Stones earlier that day, so he begins singing, You can cum all over me, and continues to the break of dawn. The nieghbors dial 911, a fireman arrives and mercifully hoses Shapiro in the face with a fire extinguisher.

1. After listening to the album on repeat for a week, Shapiro decides he doesn't like it that much after all. Begins to feel a deep-seated rage toward Van Morrison. Calls the station manager and demands his show be retitled Tupelo Honey Tastes Like Ass.

Tune in to Cyprus Avenue on FM 89.3 KCUR, Saturdays from 12 to 2 p.m. Hear Bill talk about all things "seminal" and cite Rolling Stone extensively.

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