Friday, June 29, 2007

Your Weekend, As Planned by Ellis, the Corporate Asshole From Die Hard

Posted by on Fri, Jun 29, 2007 at 4:07 PM

ellis.jpg

Uh, hey, sprechen ze talk? I’m Harry Ellis, and I’m in charge of international acquisitions at the Nakatomi Corporation.

Hey, I read the papers, I watch 60 Minutes. I say to myself, These guys are professionals, they're motivated, they're happening -- i.e., they wanna do something fun this weekend. Am I right? To put it in my terms, you're here on a hostile takeover, and you grab us for some greenmail but you didn't expect some poison pill was gonna be running around the building.

Hans! Boo-by! I’m your white knight. Check out Customer Appreciation Night at the Westport Branch of the Kansas City Public Library (118 Westport Road) tonight at 6. It’s a meet-and-greet. It’s a celebration. But best of all, it’s a wine tasting. Nothing I love more than a mulled wine and a nice brie in front of a roaring fireplace... maybe after the library, you and I could get together for a little “Christmas snow,” if you know what I’m saying. What? No?

Baby, it's not what I want -- it's what I can give you. Look, let's be straight, OK? It's obvious you're not some dumb thug up here to snatch a few purses, am I right? What if I gave you tickets to see the Royals play the White Sox tonight at 7:10 or at at 6:10 p.m. Saturday? Afterward, we can share an eight-ball and some mulled wine ... OK, OK!

Hey, business is business. You use a gun. I use a fountain pen. What's the difference? So how ‘bout you check out the last-Friday screening of The Big Lebowski at the Screenland at 1656 Washington? The show starts at 9:45 p.m. and includes a trivia contest. With prizes! And nothing goes better with a late-night cult film than a few lines of blow and a couple of prostitutes ...

OK, maybe you're pissed at the camel jockeys, maybe it's the Hebes, Northern Ireland, that's none of my business. I figure, you're here to negotiate, am I right? What if I could give you tickets to the Heart of America Shakespeare Festival at Southmoreland Park? They’re presenting Romeo and Juliet. Reserved seating is $12. Show starts at 8 p.m. That sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Wait -- what am I, a method actor? Hey, Hans, babe, put away the gun. This is radio, not television ... -- Chris Packham

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