Friday, October 26, 2007

Royals Throw Us a Boner

Posted By on Fri, Oct 26, 2007 at 6:37 AM

glass_burns.JPG

Today, we here at the Plog hit a snag. For years now, we’ve been channeling Bart Simpson and prank-calling Royals owner David Glass. Usually, the phone calls go smoothly – we ask for someone with a silly name, Glass doesn’t realize he's being pranked, then he threatens to cut our bellies open. But not today. Things changed forever today.

First, let’s review recent calls.

Plog: Hi, I’m looking for a Jacques Strap. Could you check with your equipment manager for me?

David Glass: Yeah, I’ll ask him. He’s right here. Hey, you got a Jacques Strap down there in equipment? What? Oh. So, it’s you again. If I ever catch you, I’ll make third base out of your liver!

Plog: Mr Glass, could you tell me if Mike Rotch is in the clubhouse?

Glass: Anybody seen Mike Rotch down in the clubhouse? Hey, who’s seen Mike Rotch? What’s that, Sweeney? Oh, damn it to hell. Someday, you son of a bitch, I’ll be serving your blood in 22-ounce pours from the concession stands!

Plog: This is Topp’s. We need to get a photo of your new shortstop, Oliver Clothesoff.

Glass: Oliver Clothesoff? I don’t think we’ve got Oliver Clothesoff yet. Hey, hold on here. I hope you know that I’m lookin’ for you, jackass. And if I catch you, I’ll have you working in a Wal-Mart sweatshop in Bangladesh!

But today, things got weird. Here’s how it went.

Plog: Is Rusty Kuntz in please?

Glass: I don’t believe I've seen Rusty Kuntz today.

Plog: [There’s a long pause as we wonder if he’s finally, after all these years, caught on. Or worse, perhaps he’s standing right behind us with an ice pick. We stammer the next part.] Uh, umm. Do you expect to see Rusty Kuntz later today?

Glass: Yeah, Rusty Kuntz should be around later.

Plog: [Again, a long pause, followed by stammering.] Uh. Wow. Just to be sure I heard you right, did you say that you’re waiting for your Rusty Kuntz?

Glass: That’s right Rusty Kuntz. I have a Rusty Kuntz here.

Plog: You … you do?

Rusty_Kuntz.jpg

Glass: He’s our new first-base coach. He’s a good one, that Rusty Kuntz.

Plog: Oh, sweet Jesus. You literally have a Rusty Kuntz.

Glass: You bet I do.

At this point, we had to stop. It was time to re-evaluate our game, to re-examine our goals. How could we continue to torment the Royals owner with made-up names when none of them could top the actual name of his new first-base coach, Rusty Kuntz? Things will never be the same again. -- Eric Barton

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