By CHRIS PACKHAM
Someday, my name will be prefaced with the phrase "wealthy financier," and then you'll all be fuckin' sorry. Specifically, when wealthy financier Chris Packham launches a billion-dollar-losing media empire in Kansas City with heavy editorial application of multi-morpheme sobriquets based on the word douche.Attention Fox 4: WE WILL BURY YOU. It's always embarrassing when your city produces so little telegenic news that you're forced to cover a MASSIVE BARN FIRE! I've been hearing scattered references to Kansas City as New York's "6th borough" or "7th borough" or something, but this shit is just going to reinforce the pre-existing stereotype of Kansas City Klansmen jumping their General Lees over flaming pits of biology textbooks. Our solemn vow to you, the sophisticated Kansas Citian, is that The Pitch will never cover barn fires, traffic jams caused by loose cattle, or first-cousin wedding announcements. On the other hand, by linking to barn-fire coverage, we're now driving traffic, including any monocle-wearing cosmopolitans from Eastern states, directly at the apparent hayseed provincialism of the Fox 4 worldview. After the jump, some reassuring evidence of Kansas City's post-secondary education. Click here, or on this picture of Pretty Pony Phil Witt receiving his associate's degree in handsome HVAC:
Not that college students aren't sort of douchey: If I've ever implied that American telecom companies are, in fact, Hitler, I'd now like to suggest that more than one entity can be Hitler, and that according to historians — and also according to the Boo Radley freak-os who collect Nazi memorabilia and whose houses you avoided walking past when you were a kid — American college textbook publishers personally invaded Poland in 1939. IT'S TRUE! That was right before they repaginated a 1,000-page, $120 medieval-European-history textbook so you couldn't buy a used copy of last year's edition for class. Also, to clarify: I am not suggesting that jackbooted collectors of Nazi memorabilia would be likely to save Scout and Jem from Bob Ewell. Those people would heavily mouth-breathe while watching the mayhem from the safety of a bush, probably through the 640 x 480 screens of their Razr phone video cameras.
Anyway, in an expensive-textbook illustration of completely missing the point, Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt signed the Textbook Transparency Act into law, which requires publishers to provide detailed information about the bullshit changes they make to the various unnecessary editions of textbooks. Instead, we should destroy the publishers of college textbooks before they extend their manifest evil into an inevitable ethnic cleansing policy. You know how everyone's favorite time-travel hypothetical question involves whether you would change history by killing Hitler? It's time to decide if your nutsac contains two little Winston Churchill heads or two little Hitler-loving Sen. Prescott Bush heads.
Independence is very important: Sen. Barack Obama will visit Independence today. Independence! It's a real Nixon-goes-to-Sedalia moment for the presumptive Democratic nominee, who did, yes, visit St. Louis on June 10, but who also visited Cape Girardeau in May. He's very committed to touring the smaller, more Republican, more crystal meth-y towns, not that I want to prop up stereotypes about Independence, Missouri, or suggest that the electoral map of Republican-leaning districts corresponds with statistical maps of crystal-meth abuse. I really don't want to. It happens by accident, like when I use swears in front of children, many of whom are still in the process of acquiring language skills.
Obama is speaking today on the subject of patriotism. I guess there's a first-grade teacher out there whose class assignments are distributed among politicians. I remember this one time I had to give a speech about teeth. Barack Obama's X-treme patriotism can best be described as a soaring bald eagle crapping Toby Keith heads all over an Abraham Lincoln wearing a stovepipe hat made out of Lee Greenwood. Artist's conception:
That's pretty fucking patriotic. Anyway, how does Obama's visit square with his lack of advertising in Missouri? John McCain, Senator of Modern Maturity, has been on the air in Missouri for, like, a month with that one ad where he talks about how much he hates war, which is why he just wants to take all the weapons and bombs and Army divisions and load them into an airplane and just drop them on Iran.