Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Heaven Can't Wait, Actually

Posted By on Wed, Jul 30, 2008 at 1:59 PM

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

rapture_highway_thumb.jpg


Why aren't there any Chiefs jerseys on the chosen?

The New York Times reported yesterday that Tyndale House Publishers, the publishers of Left Behind, are now publishing football books.

Left Behind, for those unfamiliar with the series of fifteen (!) books, begins with (spoiler alert!) the Rapture, describing a massive depopulation of the world that includes pilot-less aircraft and World War III. This is viewed by its readers as an event to be welcomed with anticipation (“at last: justification for my letters to advertisers on 'Desperate Housewives'”), sort of like porn for the excessively pious.

The Rapture then leads to the rise of the Antichrist, the Romanian Nicolae Carpathia, a charismatic head of the United Nations who seeks only to serve evil. This is clearly fiction, as I can think of no Romanian who is charismatic or an instance in which the United Nations is competent. Oh, and the protagonist is Buck Williams, who, much like the former Nets power forward with the same name, performs valiantly for a seemingly lost cause for years.

Some hate Left Behind. I welcome the publishers’ football venture for one major reason -- having the rest of the NFL swept up in a Rapture is the only possible scenario in which the Chiefs win the Super Bowl this year.

It also provides me the opportunity to speculate in the most blasphemous way concerning casting potential Antichrists in a “Left Behind” football book:

Al Davis: C’mon – he’s an anticlimactic Tales of the Crypt villain, not a Destroyer Of Worlds. Also, the Antichrist is competent.

Bill Belichick: Sure he cheats, but would The Antichrist dress like this?

Tom Brady: Some describe Brady as “the face of pure metrosexual evil” and another nominates Tony Romo but I disagree. I believe the Antichrist is more mobile than Brady and, unlike Romo, could win a playoff game on the road.

Carl Peterson: He gets my nomination. Sure, he’d engage in protracted haggling with the Army of Evil’s agents concerning signing bonuses, but he’s malevolent and, in his leather duster, he's impeccably dressed. Much like the Antichrist in "Left Behind," his squad builds up expectations and loses only at the last moment due to poor execution.

And I’m pretty sure most of Kansas City’s media would second this nomination.

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