Monday, August 4, 2008

NFL Hires Dissembler As Consultant

Posted By on Mon, Aug 4, 2008 at 9:23 AM

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

hang_loose.jpg


Hang loose, Chiefs fans, Ari's on the job.

The NFL hired a genius as a consultant.

Ari Fleischer, the most infamous White House press secretary since Ron Ziegler, is bringing his special brand of verbal gymnastics to professional sports players, providing seminars as president of Ari Fleischer Sports Communications.

His first tip -- “be honest” -- is a clear illustration of Fleischers’ public relations genius. First, its audacity in never conceding that he ever misled the American people from the White House podium puts his audience completely off-balance. Second, it distracts the audience from every previous lie uttered by Fleischer, no mean feat for the president’s primary spokesperson before the Iraq War.

Kansas City’s sports teams need Fleischer’s mendacity to distract local media from finishing in last place. For example, the Royals may no longer feel the need to give out poorly made crap to fans, instead opting for a press spokesman to peddle crap. After all, unlike a Billy Butler jersey, effective half-truths and deceptions are never demoted to Omaha.

The Chiefs would also eagerly seek a consult from Fleischer – after all, there is no better way to distract attention from Carl Peterson than have someone take abuse from Kansas City’s media on a weekly basis:

Q: They sacked Brodie Croyle 10 times today. Is the offensive line a concern?

A: No. We disagree with the metrics underlying your question. Croyle passed 35 times on Sunday, and the majority of the time he remained upright. We hope that people realize that Croyle’s ability to stay healthy was a concern and his ability to remain in the game indicates that he has a strong future as a NFL quarterback.

Q: The Chiefs punted 12 times. How will the coaching staff change the offense before next week?

A: First off, Chiefs fans appreciate the ability to witness a master of his craft, Dustin Colquitt. They appreciate the nuance of the game, including a 50-yard punt with good hang time.

Q: Do you feel that Larry Johnson isn’t getting the running lanes he needs?

A: I think I’ve already addressed the offensive line, Rhonda. Yes, Jason.

Q: The local media has already condemned Carl Peterson’s management, and there is a possibility that next week’s game will be blacked out. Has Chiefs management lost touch with their fans?

A: Jason, once again we question the media’s role. Chiefs fans, many of whom support management with their pocketbook, are not distracted by hysteria in a time of trouble. We remind you that words have consequences, particularly in this current climate.

All the Chiefs would be doing in this scenario is adding a middleman.

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