Monday, December 29, 2008

Daily Briefs: White men do the BEST imitations of black men

Posted By on Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 9:54 AM

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The jokes of comedy: What have we learned this year? For one thing, we learned that a joke whose punchline is "Lipstick!!!" is always way funnier and more handicapped-accessible if you point to your lipstick when you tell it. Men: This also works for jokes about cocks. Nothing enhances a joke like a helpful little pantomime, or, in the case of saggy old Robin Williams, who looks like he recently opened the Ark of the Covenant, making parenthetical non-sequiturs in the voices of a faith-healing televangelist or, hey, a stereotypical "black man":



It's FUNNY because it's TRUE!!!! Black men: always grabbing their cocks and shouting at the tops of their voices about "booties," LADIES, AM I RIGHT??? And this includes President Elect Barack Obama, obvs. It's like Robin Williams rolled up his sleeves, sharpened a pencil, sat down at his joke-writing desk, wrote, "Obama's black" on a piece of paper, circled it, and then farted and fell asleep. Also, I think the kids stopped saying "keeping it real" in, like, 1999 or something? If you can think of anything less relevant to the life-experience or public career of Barack Obama than this, you can win Matrix shampoo and conditioner, a $5.98 value. TIP FOR BUDDING TONIGHT SHOW PERFORMERS: If you turn a joke upside-down, for instance by saying, "You know what they say: Small shoes, small clit," you'll probably need to point clitward to make your point. Although that audience will laugh at anything.

After the jump, world events and lying memoirists. Click here or on the most self-satisfied, least funny people imaginable:

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Wacky news of wackiness!!!! And now it's time for a segment we call "The Lighter Side of the News," an exclamation-point-rich feature in which we enjoy a warm, society-affirming chuckle at some of the more off-center stories happening in your neck of the woods of the world!!! Then we'll get back to making jokes about cocks.

  • Russian academic Igor Panarin has a theory that's a little bit kooky!!! He thinks the United States will completely dissolve as a political entity -- in one year!!! The end of the United States will happen in 2010 as a result of mass immigration, economic decline, and a little something called "moral degradation" -- could he be referring to jokes about cocks!!!?

  • Over the holiday, Hamas ended its six-month long cease-fire against Israel and began lobbing missiles across the border. Israel responded with a massive military strike against Gaza which Palestinian medical officials say has resulted in 300 deaths and hundreds more injuries. Why don't you quit fighting and get a room, you two?!!!

  • Diplomatic tensions between India and Pakistan have been high since militants killed 179 people in Mumbai. FUN FACT: Both Pakistan and India conducted their first nuclear tests in 1998, and neither country is a signatory of the 1968 Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty!!! Get a room, you two!!!!!

Your memoir is made of poop and lies: Herman Rosenblat has been going around for years lying about how he met his wife, describing a Hollywood "cute meet" in which she lobbed apples over the fence of his Nazi concentration camp. Now, because of all his hololying, his holomemoir has been canceled. Tip for budding memoirists: Don't exploit the holocaust with embellishments that didn't actually happen. Look, I'm not down with all that crap about the sharp delineation between fact and fiction that got Oprah all pissy at James Frey, okay? All narratives are constructed and therefore filtered through a lens of authorial bias, even babies know that. It's just that if you're stepping up with a bunch of When Harry Met Sally at Buchenwald crapola, people can smell that shit from a mile away. While it's true that my girlfriend can load and fire a smooth-bore long-barrelled musket in twenty seconds, it's not true that we met when we were on the opposite sides of a Civil War reenactment, like I've been going around telling people. But it definitely makes for a better story than Rosenblat's, especially the part where she lobbed apples over the fence of the Best Buy parking lot where we were staging the Battle of Shiloh.

-- Chris Packham

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