Thursday, February 5, 2009

"Studies in Crap" presents, apologizes for, "Killinger!"

Posted By on Thu, Feb 5, 2009 at 7:00 AM

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist

brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from

area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do

this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Killinger!

click to enlarge killingercover.jpg

The Rainbow/Seagreen Case

Author:

P.K. Palmer

Publisher:

Pinnacle Press, New York

Date:

1974

Discovered

at: Independence Goodwill

The cover promises: Lord,

where to start?

With "He's

ruggedly virile, he's karate-quick"?

With the fact that

he likes his ladies not just topless but nippleless, too?

With the tiny

frogman who services his metal manhood?

Representative quotes:

"Killinger turned to

face her. There was a definite interruption in the pattern of his

white shorts." (page 95)

"Killinger

feinted with the start of a kinkeri, a genital knee-kick designed to

castrate without use of a knife." (page 155)

Imagine for a

moment that you are P.K. Palmer and you've just conceived of the

most over-the-top, badass last name in the history of tough-guy

fiction. You tried Deathington, Murderwitz and P.J. Woehouse before hitting on your masterpiece: Killinger -- a name that elevates

any sentence!

Some of your best:

  • "Killinger

    had made an oil and vinegar dressing with a touch of dill."

  • "Killinger

    was helicopter-happy."

  • "Killinger's

    movements flowed at great speed and grace. A superb ballet dancer

    could not have made his movements more fluid nor with more true

    beauty."

  • "No

    matter what business came up, Killinger ran his two miles every day

    and did his Karate exercises."

  • "It

    was where Killinger hung his meat and poultry to age properly."

  • "Killinger

    hung up quickly to cut off complaints and because Marja-Liisa had

    moved his hand to her golden grove and had begun quivering against

    his fingers and her sighs had become deep."

  • "Killinger

    was proud of his Chinese junk."

But

then, stupidly, you keep right on christening and destroy everything.

You had to try to give Killinger his

"Bond. James Bond" moment. Now, readers cringe as your hero

acquaints himself with Marja-Liisa Kikkonen [sic], a Posrche-driving,

cheetah-raising associate professor of marine biology Palmer

describes as "a magnificent six feet of female":

"The

man looked at the long splendid legs before him. He looked up past

them and past the glorious rounds of the breasts at a wondrous face

and long tawny hair. He rose to introduce himself.
'My name is

Jeddediah Killinger the Third.'"

Jeddediah? The

Third? Stupid

shit like that is exactly

why every novel on the front tables at Barnes & Noble has photos

of shoes on the cover: American men have given up on books.

click to enlarge killingerbackcover.jpg

Like Marja-Liisa in

Killinger's car, the aptly named Palmer labors mightily to please his

men. Unfortunately, he works so hard, it starts to chafe. The sad truth: His hero is much more Jeddediah the Third than he is KILLINGER.

Sure, Killinger

drives a '57 Thunderbird, maintains "a hard muscled body that

belies his age, which was 41," and lives on a Chinese junk

houseboat with Kimo, a "Japanese boy from Idaho" who he is

teaching "the martial art of karate."

And, sure, the

women love him. Marja-Liisa Kikkonen [sic] - the "nude tigress,"

"the beautiful tawny-gold Viking queen," "the tawny-gold feline

Scandinavian goddess" -- gives him a handjob, while he drives,

within 10minutes of meeting him.

Still, it's all kind of lame.

Killinger's badass

job? Insurance adjuster.

Killinger's badass pets? Cats named Lollipop and Coco Chanel.

Killinger's almost superhuman skill? He can do long division in his head.

And does anything excuse sentences like "Marja-Liisa started walking slowly to where Killinger lay, dressed only in his skin"?

Here, Killinger sexually harasses his crying secretary Marjorie, who

is "wonderfully slim where a girl should be slim and wondrously

full where a girl should be full":

"Stepping

back a bit, he put his hand under chin and lifted it. 'Say ...

prunes.'

With the word, her

lips went into a lovely bee-sting pout. 'Prunes ...'

Killinger kissed

her tenderly."

His adventure is a confounding

muddle about a crashed plane, its mysterious cargo, the CIA, the KGB,

a kidnapping, some "faceless men," a plan to dump dye into lakes,

and -- oh, who cares? Other than some sex, karate kicks and the use of "prunes" to loosen constipated lips, the two

most exciting things Killinger does are:

  1. Threaten an

    old lady with an audit.

  2. Explain to the associate professor of marine biology what "Roy G. Biv" has to do with rainbows.

Highlight:

Palmer

was a one-man Cinemax. Killinger

offers

more big ol' 70s

breasts than a

visit from Morganna, the Kissing Bandit, seen here with a

gummy-mouthed hobo.

click to enlarge morganna.JPG

Killinger's top five moments with the ultra-vixens:

5. "From the top

of her long tawny hair to tuft of her golden triangle, to the tips of

her toes, she was tanned a delicious, golden, dusky peach color.

Except her nipples. They were pink and not yet risen in excitement."

4. "With her long

hair and splendid body, she was a wonderful and warm animal. In

profile, the fullness of her breasts accentuated the flatness of her

tummy. There was an aura of intelligence and competence about her."

3. "Her breasts were exquisite. There were nipples

almost the same color as her auburn hair and the junction of her

thighs. Not a flaw did he see in her skin. Juno dove into the

ocean. Her disappearing

rear view would have been a delight to any connoisseur."

2. "Her breasts were full and round and flat. Her auburn hair, chopped and shingled, framed her face like a glowing halo as she stood nude before the mirror counting out a hundred strokes of the tortoise shell hairbrush. Methodically, she counted to fifty and then switched the brush to her left hand. Each vigorous movement exercised the pectoral muscle beneath a breast, helping its firmness."

1. "When she

stood straight, to toss her hair back over her shoulders, it

completely covered her breasts. That is, if Audrey White had

breasts."

Pop quiz! Guess which of these women, by the logic of the

Palmerverse, must be the villain?

And Remember: Jeddediah Killinger III will not be back on anybody's secret service.


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