Thursday, February 26, 2009

Studies in Crap sticks up for the Care Bears, who are totally not satanic

Posted By on Thu, Feb 26, 2009 at 6:00 AM

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist

brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from

area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do

this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

click to enlarge lambscover.jpg

Like Lambs to the Slaughter: Your Child and the Occult

Author: Johanna



Harvest House Publishers

Date: 1989

Discovered at:

Good Will, North Oak Trafficway

The Cover

Promises: If your mom buys this, you'll never have fun again.



"The fourth way

to acquire psychic power is a way which a growing number of teenagers

are opting for today: selling their souls to the devil." (page 85)

"To She-Ra, the

hope for the world is the 'Light' which rises forth from their

occultic circle. Most New Agers would readily recognize that 'Light'

as 'Lucifer' the lightbearer." (page 222)

In the late 1980s,

middle Americans uninterested in real problems found the courage to

band together to take on a danger so overwhelming it didn't even

exist: a satanic conspiracy that used rock music, role-playing games,

and He-Man's twin sister to season our children for the

devil's conquest.

No less an

authority than Geraldo Rivera dared to stand up to the make-believe

danger, as you can see in this clip from his 1988 special Devil

Worship: Exposing Satan's Underground. 

(Look for Spike, the "stone pony" from Kansas City at the 4:25


Johanna Michaelsen,

meanwhile, dared to pretend that the road to Satan

starts in Star Wars, Smurfs and The Care Bears Movie. She


"While this

little second-grader enjoyed the movie, there was something about it

that bothered her. She commented that the Care Bears seemed like God.

They were up in heaven and knew everything, like God did. And when

the Bears concentrated their energy into the 'Care Bear Stare' to

change something, it was 'like a counterfeit miracle ... kind of

like the magicians in Pharaoh's court.' Very discerning for a second


So, Michaelsen claims that a second

grader used the phrase "counterfeit miracle" in a detailed critique of Care-a-Lot theology. With an imagination

like that, she could be a world-class Dungeon Master!


Michaelsen argues

that exposure to these "occultic" elements will lead our children

straight into New Age mysticism and then, presumably, to baby-eating:

* "A lot of

children won't have a hard time at all accepting the occult belief in

the power of crystals, because for years they watched the little

dream fairies on 'My Little Pony 'N Friends' use crystals to gain

power over the evil Night Mare."

* "They will be

familiar with the concepts of ESP, because when He-Man suddenly

realized he could hear a creature's thoughts, he understood that the

creature was talking with his mind."

* "Little girls

won't have any problem at all accepting the concept of the Mother

Goddess or that they themselves can become goddesses, because of the

years they lived the fantasy of Wonder Woman and of She-Ra, Princess

of Power."

Which is the more

dangerous fantasy? A young girl believing in the magic of She-Ra, or a grown woman

assailing evils that only she can see?


Even good Christian

C.S. Lewis is a danger! His Narnia books "reflect a

Christian world view, but they include enough references ... to

'good' Witches, wizards. And magicians to confuse the average child."


Tumnus, you see, is a

faun. As Michaelsen points out, "A faun, of

course, is the Roman version of the Greek god Pan, who is identified

as an alter ego of Satan himself in the Satanic Bible."

Also, she uses The Weekly World News as a news source.

Shocking Detail:

Imagination be damned, she'd be a horrible

Dungeon master:


Gygax insists that his work is just a game ... a work of pure

fantasy ... not real -- and yet, on page 115 of the Official

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master Guide,

1979 edition, under 'Spell Research,' Gygax advises that "it is

absolutely mandatory for the researcher to be of sound mind and body

and to have privacy and seclusion free from interruption during the

course of his or her spell study ... It requires about 8 hours per

day of work."

[All ellipses are Michelsen's.]


pretends that casting a spell in a fantasy game requires players

study in real life for a third of a day. No wonder D&D was catching on! Kids love nothing

more than endless hours of silent contemplation!

Highlight: Just

as Prince Adam

and Princess Adora found fabulous secret powers revealed to them the day they held aloft

their magic swords, Michaelsen, too, was once a regular person

suddenly given power to defend her world from the forces of darkness.


revelation came not at Castle Grayskull

but in the green room of the Trinity Broadcasting Network on New Years

Eve of 1983.

She had been invited on by apocalypse profiteer Hal


to discuss that year's developments in the occult. Unfortunately,

that year -- like all years since the Enlightenment -- there hadn't

been any occult

developments. Michalesen panicked:


had the feeling that there was something tremendously important that

I was supposed to say about the occult. I just had no idea what.

'Please, Lord,' I fervently prayed, 'what is it You want me to

talk about?" A few moments of silence ... and then I heard it --

a still, small voice that said, 'Look what they're doing to my

children.' And then again, 'Look

what they're doing to my children!'

Michaelsen began her crusade by going on the air and describing how Gargamel once

drew a "magic circle" in the dirt to cast an anti-Smurf spell.

Meanwhile, somewhere beyond this mortal realm, Satan shuddered,

knowing a hero had risen to challenge him:


Johanna Michelsen


level human cleric.

HP 5, AC 9, THAC0 20

STR 8, INT 10, DEX 10, CON

9, WIS 7, CHA 11.

Alignment: lawful batshit.

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