Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist
brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from
area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Like Lambs to the Slaughter: Your Child and the Occult
Harvest House Publishers
Good Will, North Oak Trafficway
Promises: If your mom buys this, you'll never have fun again.
"The fourth way
to acquire psychic power is a way which a growing number of teenagers
are opting for today: selling their souls to the devil." (page 85)
"To She-Ra, the
hope for the world is the 'Light' which rises forth from their
occultic circle. Most New Agers would readily recognize that 'Light'
as 'Lucifer' the lightbearer." (page 222)
In the late 1980s,
middle Americans uninterested in real problems found the courage to
band together to take on a danger so overwhelming it didn't even
exist: a satanic conspiracy that used rock music, role-playing games,
and He-Man's twin sister to season our children for the
No less an
authority than Geraldo Rivera dared to stand up to the make-believe
danger, as you can see in this clip from his 1988 special Devil
Worship: Exposing Satan's Underground.
(Look for Spike, the "stone pony" from Kansas City at the 4:25
meanwhile, dared to pretend that the road to Satan
starts in Star Wars, Smurfs and The Care Bears Movie. She
little second-grader enjoyed the movie, there was something about it
that bothered her. She commented that the Care Bears seemed like God.
They were up in heaven and knew everything, like God did. And when
the Bears concentrated their energy into the 'Care Bear Stare' to
change something, it was 'like a counterfeit miracle ... kind of
like the magicians in Pharaoh's court.' Very discerning for a second
So, Michaelsen claims that a second
grader used the phrase "counterfeit miracle" in a detailed critique of Care-a-Lot theology. With an imagination
like that, she could be a world-class Dungeon Master!
that exposure to these "occultic" elements will lead our children
straight into New Age mysticism and then, presumably, to baby-eating:
* "A lot of
children won't have a hard time at all accepting the occult belief in
the power of crystals, because for years they watched the little
dream fairies on 'My Little Pony 'N Friends' use crystals to gain
power over the evil Night Mare."
* "They will be
familiar with the concepts of ESP, because when He-Man suddenly
realized he could hear a creature's thoughts, he understood that the
creature was talking with his mind."
* "Little girls
won't have any problem at all accepting the concept of the Mother
Goddess or that they themselves can become goddesses, because of the
years they lived the fantasy of Wonder Woman and of She-Ra, Princess
Which is the more
dangerous fantasy? A young girl believing in the magic of She-Ra, or a grown woman
assailing evils that only she can see?
Even good Christian
C.S. Lewis is a danger! His Narnia books "reflect a
Christian world view, but they include enough references ... to
'good' Witches, wizards. And magicians to confuse the average child."
Tumnus, you see, is a
faun. As Michaelsen points out, "A faun, of
course, is the Roman version of the Greek god Pan, who is identified
as an alter ego of Satan himself in the Satanic Bible."
Also, she uses The Weekly World News as a news source.
Imagination be damned, she'd be a horrible
Gygax insists that his work is just a game ... a work of pure
fantasy ... not real -- and yet, on page 115 of the Official
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master Guide,
1979 edition, under 'Spell Research,' Gygax advises that "it is
absolutely mandatory for the researcher to be of sound mind and body
and to have privacy and seclusion free from interruption during the
course of his or her spell study ... It requires about 8 hours per
day of work."
[All ellipses are Michelsen's.]
pretends that casting a spell in a fantasy game requires players
study in real life for a third of a day. No wonder D&D was catching on! Kids love nothing
more than endless hours of silent contemplation!
as Prince Adam
and Princess Adora found fabulous secret powers revealed to them the day they held aloft
their magic swords, Michaelsen, too, was once a regular person
suddenly given power to defend her world from the forces of darkness.
revelation came not at Castle Grayskull
but in the green room of the Trinity Broadcasting Network on New Years
Eve of 1983.
She had been invited on by apocalypse profiteer Hal
to discuss that year's developments in the occult. Unfortunately,
that year -- like all years since the Enlightenment -- there hadn't
been any occult
developments. Michalesen panicked:
had the feeling that there was something tremendously important that
I was supposed to say about the occult. I just had no idea what.
'Please, Lord,' I fervently prayed, 'what is it You want me to
talk about?" A few moments of silence ... and then I heard it --
a still, small voice that said, 'Look what they're doing to my
children.' And then again, 'Look
what they're doing to my children!'
Michaelsen began her crusade by going on the air and describing how Gargamel once
drew a "magic circle" in the dirt to cast an anti-Smurf spell.
Meanwhile, somewhere beyond this mortal realm, Satan shuddered,
knowing a hero had risen to challenge him:
level human cleric.
HP 5, AC 9, THAC0 20
STR 8, INT 10, DEX 10, CON
9, WIS 7, CHA 11.
Alignment: lawful batshit.