Tuesday, March 17, 2009

"Off With Those Pants": Bill O'Reilly seduces you in clips from his dirty audiobook

Posted By on Tue, Mar 17, 2009 at 6:00 AM

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.



Those Who Trespass audiobook


click to enlarge thosewhotrespasscover.jpg

Author: Bill O'Reilly


Publisher: Random House Audio
Date: 2001, though the book was published in 1998
Discovered at: Goodwill, North Oak Traffickway
The Cover Promises: A bold, fresh piece.



Last week, when your Crap Archivist got all aghast about the inexcusable creepiness that is The O'Reilly Factor For Kids, I failed to point out something important: Horrifying as it is, The O'Reilly Factor For Kids is far from Bill O'Reilly's worst -- or creepiest -- book.
 
That honor goes to Those Who Trespass, his 1998 novel about an O'Reilly-esque TV journalist who is trained by an Irish Republican Army terrorist to kill the people who deserve it the most: the broadcast news bastards who interfered with the O'Reilly character's career. It's personal on the political level, too -- his victims includes a powerful "bitch" named Hillary and a fat "slob" named Martin Moore.

Before the clips, a bit of context.

The murderer,

Shannon Michaels, is pursued by an O'Reilly-esque cop, Tommy

O'Malley. These two Irish-Americans share their author's tough-talk, lust

for power and (alleged!) belief that the best way to seduce a woman

is to seize her breasts, preferably as she showers.

The

most amazing bits of Those Who Trespass

have been chewed over before here and here. Your Crap

Archivist has little to add, other than four observations:

  1. The

    audio book contains many fewer fucks

    than the print version.

  2. Those rival good-and-evil O'Reillys? Even Prince's "Batdance" brings more clarity to the subject of duality.

  3. Everybody here

    -- from the killer to the cop to the IRA -- believes that the

    broadcast professionals Michaels kills were "despicable"

    human beings who probably had it coming.

  4. All this sex

    and violence from a man who decries hip hop's sex and violence? It's

    the pot calling the kettle Irish and pasty.

Here's choice

samples of O'Reilly's prose, read by he who trespasses against the

English language himself. 

Bill O'Reilly

Seduces You

This first one comes from an exchange between "Robo," a crack dealer, and his underage

girlfriends.

"Say

baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."




"I

would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms.

You can keep your shirt on."


"Cup

your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."



"Off with those pants."


Bill O'Reilly Tells You How to Do It


Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue.




Visit your dentist regularly.




Pipe slow-jam music into your shower!


thosewhotrespassbill_002.jpg

O'Reilly Potpourri


Other Those Who Trespass highlights include:
 
Music criticism:
 




Bizarre confessions:
 




And the thinking that would one day inspire the creation of The O'Reilly Factor:



Many more pleasures await those intrepid enough to trespass deeper. The audio book is available on Audible, and used copies start around $12 on Amazon, where the paperback also fetches a pretty penny -- as in one whole cent.
 
Whether you explore more or not, remember: There's a difference between oral sex and oral hygiene. Please, choose responsibly.


Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments (7)

Showing 1-7 of 7

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-7 of 7

Add a comment

Latest in The Fast Pitch

Most Popular Stories

Slideshows

All contents ©2014 Kansas City Pitch LLC
All rights reserved. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Kansas City Pitch LLC,
except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via email to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

All contents © 2012 SouthComm, Inc. 210 12th Ave S. Ste. 100, Nashville, TN 37203. (615) 244-7989.
All rights reserved. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of SouthComm, Inc.
except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via email to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.
Website powered by Foundation