Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Daily Briefs: My Brain's Body is a Wonderland

Posted by on Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:57 AM

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click to enlarge Tata_Nano.jpg

Slumdog Hundredaire: Tata Motors of India is introducing the WORLD'S CHEAPEST CAR, the Tata Nano, which maxes out at its top price-point around $3,800 Americos. For your money, you get 47 miles to the gallon, a single windshield wiper and the tightest turning-radius of any vehicle except your mom, HONK! Because I hear your mom's turning radius is really tight, HONK! No, I mean LITERALLY. Like, she can absolutely turn around on a dime. Quit acting like I said anything even remotely offensive about your mom. At the absolute worst, it was just kind of weird. You know as well as I do that your mom has never had to do a three-pointer to get out of a tight space. So but HERE'S the thing people are worried about: As cars become more affordable to a greater number of people in India, roadways will become more clogged and the atmosphere will become more, say, "Beijing-y." A certain kind of person is ALWAYS worried about dumb crap like that, and he usually brings his own bags to the grocery store, drinks soy milk, petitions Congress for redress and whatnot. HIPPIES, in other words, and since the hippies in India come from the culture that invented Yoga and reverences cows, they're just about the highest-grade hippies in the world.

Department of Redundancy Department, HAHAHAHAHA, shoot me, please, right in my giant brain: What with City Hall's plan to integrate the Metropolitan Ambulance Services Trust as a city agency, some guys is gotta win and some guys is gotta lose. Take Executive Director Douglas Hooten, whom Mayor Mack Funkmeyer asked to resign on Saturday during one of those meetings the Mayor likes to have at his house, which nobody even mentions any more. Except me, here: The Mayor is conducting city business out of his house, and believe you me, nothing brings the ladies running faster than exclaiming, "I work out of the home!" I like to say it with arms akimbo, like Superman. It would be funny to invite the Mayor over to my house one day, and then suggest to him that it's time to "move on down the road." I'll bet he wouldn't.

Anyway, poor old Douglas Hooten is one of those guys who is gotta lose, if this whole plan is going to work out. But apparently, he doesn't want to resign from his position during a dire period of severe economic crisis, when seasoned professionals from all professional walks of life are actually having knife-fights over pizza delivery positions. GO FIGURE! The city is trying to eliminate about $6 million Americos in services duplicated between MAST and the fire department, like when the ambulance drivers give fire safety lectures and the firemen show school kids how Resusci-Annie can talk even when the firemen are drinking a glass of water!

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