Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Daily Briefs: Macroeconomic implications of topless football games

Posted By on Wed, Mar 25, 2009 at 11:14 AM


We are all hippies now: Look, the simple fact is that when actual U.S. suburbs, as seen in the horrible embarrassment to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences,American Beauty, begin experiencing drug-related violence by Mexican gangs, you are totally allowed to say that U.S. drug policy is broken without being this guy:


I tried to find a picture of what you do look like when you criticize the current reactionary U.S. drug enforcement regime, but apparently nobody is selling a "Bob Barr" costume. The real victims, besides families in the Southwest actually experiencing home invasions and kidnappings by Mexican gang members, would have to be the hipster douchebags, according to the powdered-wig-wearing BBC News, which reports that the street price for cocaine has doubled while purity has dropped by 35 percent. HAHA, sorry about your dwindling trust fund, hipster. But the simple and unfortunate fact is that, due to the cultural impact of colorful hippie costumes, there's no way that the United States is anywhere near ready for a national conversation about decriminalizing certain classes of narcotics. Old persons, such as Harrison Ford and your grandma, can recall a period of American history when people were DYING TO DEATH over wooden casks of bootleg whiskey. But somehow, any suggestion that legalizing narcotics and bringing them into the bright daylight of taxation, FDA regulation and the destigmatization of addiction therapy is a bunch of pot-smoking hippie crap. As a kid stoned on dental anesthetic and videotaped by his dad in the car might say, "Is this real life????"

click to enlarge hots.jpg

Misty water-colored Skin-emax-orieeeeeeeeees... of the way we weeee-eeeeere: H.O.T.S. is a 1979 film about a group of sorority sisters who save their sorority house by playing a topless football game. It was made in a more innocent time, before HBO became the fancy gold standard of prime-time dramatic broadcasting, and the network basically built itself on alternating broadcasts of H.O.T.S. and Beastmaster. In those days, Sam Donaldson was a hard-hitting, two-fisted broadcast reporter, and The Washington Post was enjoying its last days of true relevancy while pretending that Janet Cooke didn't exist. Your mom and dad probably remember actually reading the paper back then, before going to work at their jobs in the Betamax factory, coming home and settling in for a long evening of watching the girls of the H.O.T.S. sorority stage their wet T-shirt contest while unwittingly foiling some bumbling crooks.

Now it's a new millenium. We're a little wiser, a little older and little less Hai-Karate-smelling. These days, Howard Kurtz is a columnist with a vintage 1970s sportscaster's haircut who writes a "Media Notes" column in the Washington Post, positioning himself as a kind of "universal ombudsman," or "godbudsman" for the whole industry. Only he advocates on behalf of the newspapers instead of the readers of newspapers. Not that there are a lot of those left to advocate on behalf of, LADIES AM I RIGHT??? Frankly, Derek Donovan of The Kansas City Star probably has to appeal to some sort of Socratic abstraction of a newspaper reader when he's busy doing all of his reader advocacy since, like the days when the results of a topless football game could determine the future of your fraternal social organization, the gushing torrent of time has washed away all the actual newspaper readers.

Anyway. Howard Kurtz points out that Pres. Barack Obama refused to call on any of the reporters from The New York Times and The Washington Post during last night's press conference, to which I can only reply with the words of a wise man who once said,

"I was worried about this movie just being about naked women, but I was surprised that this movie provides a lot more... It has car chases, people falling in swimming pools, food fights, Keystone Cops rountine, animals scaring people, slapstick, person dressed up as robot clumsily moving about falling down stairs, candid camera prank, people stuck in elevator, animal getting drunk, person singing a song by the beach with guitar, stereotypic fat person, stereotypic nerd in glasses, of course it has its share of topless women too, bad guys after money, clever use of duct tape, disco dancing, catfights."

That man? Harry Young, Amazon shopper and H.O.T.S. reviewer. Good day.

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