By Caitlin Packham
My daddy brought me to work at his office today for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. That means yesterday was Take Your Daughter to Work Day Eve. We lit up the Take Your Daughter to Work Day tree and sang Take Your Daughter to Work Day carols. I was so excited that I almost shit my pants. Can you tell that was sarcasm? If not, go read this instead because you are stupid like a little toddler. It's boring here! But a man named Peter who called me "little cutie" left his iPod on his desk and now I have a new iPod!
Another man named Scott asked me if I was going to work at a newspaper when I grow up. HAHA. That's funny because there won't be any newspapers when I grow up. So I asked him if he was going to go and work at Chipotle when all the newspapers shut down. I love Chipotle! Whenever Scott comes out of his office, I do a little pretend mime of scooping rice into a tortilla with a big spoon. Because Scott is totally going to work at Chipotle. HAHAHA! He looks so sad when I do that. Monday, my daddy tried to say we couldn't go to Chipotle for dinner, so I jumped up and down on the floor and screamed "STOP HITTING ME!" over and over again. Sometimes the neighbors downstairs call DCFS when I do that. But not on Monday night, because my daddy ran out and got Chipotle for dinner.
Now I am writing Daily Briefs, which is a job my daddy does every day. "I write funny things about the news," he said.
"You know what was funny?" I said. "When your car bumped into that man's car at Metro North. And that man punched you in the nose! That was so funny!"
Daddy said that wasn't funny at all, but it made me laugh and laugh. So I'm writing it down here.
Stupid president gets stupid dog: President Obama's daughters got a new dog named Bo. Bo looks like a dumb little fuzzball compared to my dog. MY DOG IS SO AWESOME! She is the best dog in the world. She likes to kiss my face. I like to give her cans of chili because she eats them all up and then daddy has to get out of bed a hundred times a night so she can poop outside. "I don't know why this dog is so sick!" he says. HAHAHAHA! It's because she has Dinty Moore Disease. My dog also likes Coke.
Someday, I will kill all the boys: Oh, look! In Japan, there's a girl named Eri Yoshida who plays baseball. Weekly Reader thinks I should give a shit because GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING BOYS CAN DO, WHOOOOO! Maybe I should just move to Japan, because this is fucking America. I've seen baseball in America, and it isn't played by girls, it is played by boys who take steroids. Why do baseball players have to look like the Hulk? Because it's totally the girliest game in the whole world. If there were a game where you had to dress in a tutu and prance around on your toes and sing in a high voice about having your period, it still wouldn't be as girly as baseball. Baseball players should all wear dresses and play with dolls and have vaginas, because they look so stupid in their dumb uniforms and their little caps. I like football. Maybe girls play football in Japan, too, but in America that's a total sausage festival just like baseball.
News for Kids! At school, they have an Internet filter so kids can't look at bad stuff. All they let us look at are "News for Kids" Websites. Guess what those Websites talk about? Climate change. The people who write those Websites think kids don't care about anything else. Climate change, climate change, climate change. And Miley Cyrus interviews. But mostly climate change. Maybe they think it's not controversial, but I used to have a teacher at school who said climate change is a lie and that Jesus would never let the planet get too hot. She gave me a "C" on a quiz, so I told the principal how much she talks about stupid Jesus, and now she works at Chipotle. And I'm still SO SICK of climate change. Now I just want all the animals to die, because I am so sick of reading about it. Sorry, polar bears, it's called overexposure.
My daddy is sleeping on a couch in his office because he was up SO LATE last night. We were at the mall, and I got bored and started playing a funny game. It's called the "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY, HELP HELP" game. It is the funnest game ever, and the way you play it is, you pretend like you can't get away from your daddy and you scream "THIS ISN'T MY DADDY! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?" And then the police come and they lock your daddy up in jail and they let you color and drink Coke until mommy gets off the night shift and comes to the police station to get daddy. Tomorrow, I have to go back to school, but my new iPod has lots of Motorhead on it so I won't have to listen to a bunch of stupid bullshit about dead polar bears. The end.