Thursday, April 30, 2009

Daily Briefs: Continuous Appeal to Authority Thursday

Posted by on Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 9:30 AM

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In accordance with the wishes of the National Pork Board, I've stopped saying "swine flu." I have a soft spot for vested corporate interests and trade groups and the factory-produced meat industry in particular, and I love it when those organizations literally tell me what terminology is and is not supposed to be coming out of my mouth. After the jump, some stuff about flu preparedness and Pres. Barack Obama's press conference, which is ALL VERY INTERESTING, as officially certified by this notary public:

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Click here to certify that you are attractive, intelligent and interesting.

I ain't ascared of no infectious orthomyxoviridae: Here we are at pork flu alert level phase 5 and I'm actually getting kind of terrified. Not because I think I'm going to die of the pork flu -- that's statistically unlikely -- but because I really, really don't want to get the flu. Being sick sucks. I kind of wish I could pay some poor hobo to get sick in my place, like conscription commutations during the civil war. Life doesn't work that way, though. You can't just wipe unpleasant problems off on hobos and children and act like everything's OK. Apparently. I guess. That's all according to my doctor and the DSM IV-TR criteria for antisocial personality disorder, and those are pretty authoritative sources. In fact, my doctor is so authoritative that he had his name, Dr. Evan Michaelson, legally changed to the MLA-format citation for his name, and I'm only supposed to refer to him as

Michaelson, Evan. M.D., PhD. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University, 1987.

So anyway, I was talking to my doctor,

Michaelson, Evan. M.D., PhD. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University, 1987.

about my terror of pork flu and consequent avoidance of the most prolific vector of infection, pork tenderloin sandwiches. And

Michaelson, Evan. M.D., PhD. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University, 1987.

said, "Why don't you just wash your hands frequently? You also need to quit smoking all those Parliament menthols."

And I'm like, "YEAH, THANKS,

Michaelson, Evan. M.D., PhD. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University, 1987.

but I need to keep my lungs strong and minty for the viral onslaught." I've stocked up on canned goods and cartons of cigarettes, and I have a pile of Jude Devereaux novels to read when there's nothing on the T.V. I'm pretty much ready for anything.

DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED FOR

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: Long-time readers know that I'm a free-market strict-constructionist pro-life conservative Republican. During last year's Presidential election, I literally voted for the American flag. My candidate,
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, wasn't actually on the ballot. So I took a little American flag on a toothpick which came in a cupcake I bought at the store, and stuck it on my ballot with a Uhu glue stick, and then checked the little box next to it. Then one of the precinct volunteers said that would invalidate my ballot, and I was like, "EXCUSE ME???? I can't vote for the AMERICAN FUCKING FLAG in a PRESIDENTIAL FUCKING ELECTION?" I used that authoritative voice that starts off really quiet and gets louder and louder until your vocal cords literally blow out if you do it too long. Then one thing led to another, and I wound up in jail, and now I have to produce weekly reports for the court about my mental health signed by

Michaelson, Evan. M.D., PhD. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University, 1987.

But anyway, all of that is to lay out my credentials as a Republican-voting conservative (the American flag is a Republican, duh). During his televised press conference last night, Pres. Barack Obama replied to some question by saying, "You know, I don't want to run auto companies. I don't want to run banks. I've got two wars I've got to run already. I've got more than enough to do. So the sooner we can get out of that business, the better off we're going to be." And I was like, holy mother of elephant-headed Ganesha, we're letting the GOVERNMENT RUN WARS? That's why I voted for President

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. What happened to the free fucking hand of the open market? The last time I was paying any degree of attention to the war in Iran or whatever, everything was being run by Blackwater Mercenary Rental Soldiers, LLC and its shareholders, and things were humming along like a well-oiled penile interrogation transducer. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The government can't create jobs, it can't run companies, it can't represent the will of the people, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, or fucking secure the Blessings of fucking Liberty to ourselves and our fucking Posterity, and it can't RUN FUCKING WARS. Why do you think I voted for President
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? Ayn Rand must be set on "Rotisserie" in her grave right now, you guys.

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