Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Daily Briefs: Emm Oh Enn Ee Why

Posted By on Wed, May 6, 2009 at 8:35 AM

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Daily Briefs is now for sale: Let's say you're a rich guy, or a big rich corporation, and you keep all your cash overseas in offshore havens, safely protected from U.S. taxes, thereby freeing you up to collect Lipizzaner stallions and priceless chandeliers. Pretty sweet life you've got there, Thurston, now have your man bring the car around so you can drive to your Jew-restricted golf club and eat the sandwiches of rich people, club sandwiches. As regards your offshore tax haven, Pres. Barack Obama says he wants to close all the tax loopholes that make those possible. This is really only a minor worry since a lot of congressional Democrats are rich, or have rich friends, and because Obama may not even really want to do it -- Clinton-era Secretary of Labor Robert Reich says it's strategic, and that Obama's strategy might be putting new bargaining chips on the table, strategically, for the coming health care fight with tax-haven-loving pharmaceutical and insurance companies, represented here by this drawing of the villainous "Blacky Carbon" and "Gummy Rings," the culprits who make your engine run harder:

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While you can stop "Blacky Carbon" and "Gummy Rings" with a Jiffy Lube Signature Service® oil change to preserve the value and longevity of your vehicle, you can only bargain with pharmaceutical and insurance corporations by threatening to take away their tax havens. This whole entry is a proof-of-concept for my new Daily Briefs product placement advertising program, because if Jiffy Lube steps up with some advertising dollars, I'll be able to take advantage of the blood-diamond-encrusted offshore tax havens Barack Obama isn't really trying to get rid of.

Unsatisfying public transit service about to get unsatisfying-ier: I ride the bus almost every day, because it's cheaper to commute while surrounded by surfaces that are probably covered with antibiotic-resistant strains of mycobacterium tuberculosis. So when I say that the Kansas City Area Transit Authority should just go ahead and rename itself "M. Night Shyamalan's Kansas City Area Transit Authority" because of its totally unacceptable quality, I'm speaking from the experience of waiting for upwards of twenty minutes for a bus in the middle of the afternoon. And you'd think that, what with the Federal Stimulus Clearinghouse Sweepstakes Prize Patrol, Kansas City could score a balloon bouquet and an oversized novelty check for improved transit. But, like the time when you told yourself that there's no way anybody could fuck up a waffle, and that Waffle House would therefore be an OK place to get food, you would be wrong. While St. Louis scored a sweet $12 million in transit dollars in the Missouri legislature, Kansas City's sad-sack reps negotiated exactly zero dollars and zero cents for KCATA. Therefore, in June, Kansas City's bus service -- against all probability -- will become even worse than it is now. Which is OK when you think about it, since the buses are only filled with poor people trying to get to their jobs on time while avoiding contracting any flesh-eating bacterial infections by touching the surrounding surfaces.

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