Monday, May 11, 2009

Daily Briefs: CRIMEWATCH!

Posted By on Mon, May 11, 2009 at 8:22 AM

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CRIMEWATCH! According to Kansas City police and Federal drug authorities, in 2007, a dude named James Everson entrepreneurially broke into Aventis Pharmaceuticals, Inc. in Kansas City and stole 110 pounds of pseudoephedrine during Super Bowl Roman Numeral 41. Once a popular over-the-counter allergy medicine, pseudoephedrine is now used exclusively and solely in clandestine meth labs to make crystal methamphetamine, period. Which Everson allegedly did, like $6 million Americos worth. And now he's in jail, because that's where operating a Crystal Methery will get you. I guess from now on, he'll be synthsizing his sympathomimetic phenylethylamines in crystalline methamphetamine hydrochloride jail!!! I love that joke; the clumsier you make it, the funnier it gets. It's like magic. CRIMEWATCH!!!

In addition to my obesity troubles, the hepatitis I acquired from a jailhouse tattoo rig, and my homodontia (all of my teeth are mandibular lower incisors, it's weird) I have pretty bad springtime allergies, and I used to take Claritin-D to feel, y'know, healthy. Or at least as healthy as this old, jaundiced, diabetic ex-convict with an unfair advantage in the ripping-and-tearing-meat department is able to feel on a good day. But since the sole effective ingredient of Claritin-D, pseudoephedrine, is now a controlled substance, you have to present a birth certificate and fill out a bunch of forms before they let you buy any, just like in fascist Britain. But still, America is the BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD if you include handicaps for math scores, health insurance availability, gun homicides, prison population, etc. etc. USA!!!!!

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