Edgar Juarez is going to be spending the next nine years in a federal prison cell because he got caught with a fuckton of ecstasy last December. For those of you who didn't take advanced science courses, a fuckton is the metric unit used to measure how many ecstasy pills you can fit into the trunk of a Cadillac. Juarez had approximately one fuckton. That's a lot.
According to police reports, Juarez -- a San Antonio, Texas, native -- was busted in Decmber when a Kansas Highway Patrol trooper approached him at a fuel stop on I-70 in Ellis County, Kansas. When the trooper told Juarez he was getting a drug dog to check his vehicle, Juarez responded by running away. He was later found hiding in a hotel laundry room.
When the car was searched, it was as if Juarez was the Santa Claus of amphetamines and he'd just abandoned his sled. There were 44 bags in the Cadillac's trunk, for a total of 436,000 pills. Police reports didn't mention whether there were neon lights affixed to the undercarriage of Juarez's car, or how many glowsticks and baby pacifiers were found in the glove compartment.
The fuckton was estimated at a street value of more than $7 million.
Juarez plead guilty last week to one count of possession with intent to distribute the drugs. He was sentenced to nine years in prison.