Since we were waiting for the NFL to start, we're playing catch up this week, starting with college football's opening weekend. We'll focus on the Chiefs, Jayhawks, Wildcats and Tigers. And for the purposes of simplicity, we'll make every bet $110, factoring in what novice gamblers and half-assed sports bloggers often forget: the 10-percent "juice" charged by bookies and sportsbooks.
Editor's note: This should not be used as actual gambling advice. Although it's probably just as good.
Week 1 (College)
Kansas State opened the season as 2.5-point favorites over UCLA, and covered easily, winning 31-22. So if we started our account with $110 and laid it all on the Wildcats, we're now sitting at $210, up $100.
But, alas, that very afternoon the Tigers of Mizzou raped our fake wallets of $110 when they failed to cover a 12-point spread against Illinois. That left us with $100, down $10 from our original faux-vestment (which, you should know, was diverted from the fantasy college-savings fund of our fake kids, who are oddly tall).
As far as I can tell there was no line on the Kansas-North Dakota State game, which is probably good, because the Jayhawks "shit the bed," as gamblers are prone to saying.
Week 2 (College)
Week 2 offered slim pickings for gambling homers, with both Missouri and Kansas State playing opponents so shitty Vegas wouldn't even make lines for the games, thus confirming that athletic departments continue to be unsympathetic to the emotional needs of gamblers.
However, there was one game to bet on: Kansas vs. Georgia State in Lawrence. The Yellow Jackets were 14.5-point favorites, and were probably a popular choice among the betting public, considering the aforementioned bed-shitting. But the Jayhawks pulled off the outright upset. So another $110 bet would have the account back at $200, up $90. (So we're 2-1 against the spread and only up $90, which sort of explains why casino operators sprinkle gold flakes in their Jamba Juice.)
Week 1 (NFL)
Ah, the NFL. Addicted-gambling paradise. The Chiefs opened the season as 4.5-point underdogs at home against the Chargers. But the betting public was obviously unfamiliar with the Chiefs 47 rookie-of-the-year candidates. Kansas City pulled off the upset, 21-14, and padded the old gambling kitty with another $100.
Where we started: $110
Where we stand: $300
What's next ...
Friday: Kansas (-5.5) at Southern Miss
Saturday: Iowa State (+4) at Kansas State
Saturday: San Diego State (+15) at Missouri
Sunday: Chiefs (+2) at Cleveland
Half-Assed Prediction of the Week:
The Chiefs and Jayhawks, both coming off of unexpected upsets, suffer letdowns on the road against inferior opponents, thus costing us more fake money.