It's a proven fact that when winter sets in, criminals are more inclined to play a quiet game of snooker at home, sip a dram of brandy, and read a book than go out and shoot someone. But blast it, just as the freezing temperatures are arriving and criminals are trading their guns for pool cues, CQ Press has to issue another rankings list.
This one places Kansas City as the 21st most dangerous U.S. city in a list of 400. Although KC scored a pretty bloody spot on the list, we were still one-upped by St. Louis, which was rated the No. 1 most dangerous city. Surely, some KC criminals will have to come out of seasonal retirement to defend the street cred of Killa City against longtime east side rival STL, largely ensuring the destruction of our town's wintry peace.
Missouri almost perfectly bookends the rankings, leaving us as a state with an overall feeling of "meh" towards violence. O'Fallon, Missouri, comes in at number 399, which is no surprise considering state Rep. Cynthia Davis lives there and recently described sex as an "irreversible, eternal, transcendental bond" and likened women who seek abortions to criminals. (If O'Fallon's most pressing issue is a proliferation of aborted transcendental union byproducts, it just follows that real crime there probably doesn't exist.)
Also notably, Kansas City, Kansas, glocked in at No. 32.
This list of rankings issued by CQ Press -- we've never heard of them either -- is surely as meaningless as every other rankings list Kansas City finds itself on. On the upside, if people take these rankings seriously (and they do), think of how cheaply you can get to St. Louis on the Megabus! Merry Christmas, Kansas City! Merry Christmas, everyone!