After nearly two years on the shelves, synthetic weed is finally going away for good. State lawmakers failed to stem the tide, and now the federal government has stepped in, issuing a temporary emergency ban on all fake pot that will start at the end of the month and run at least a year -- or as long as it takes for them to figure our just what the long-term effects of the chemicals might be.
So with one month left to stock up, is it worth your time an money to invest in Syn? Currently the most popular of dozens of variations on K2 (the faux-reefer that started it all) Syn racks up thousands of dollars in sales every day for metro shops, including the subject of this week's feature, the Coffee Wonk ("Buzz Factory") Can thousands of stoners be wrong, or should you get a bag of Syn while the getting is good? For the last time, The Pitch Action News Team smokes up for you.
Our testers used one pack of zig-zag rolling papers and 3 gram bags of the Syn incense blends Chill, Suave, and Smooth. As always, the Pitch parking lot was our laboratory, where samples were passed around the circle. It should be noted that, unlike previous product tests, none of these joints were actually finished. Rather testers removed themselves with some variation of the phrase, "I'm done with this skeevy shit."
Here's all you need to know:
From an infrequent pot smoker: "Nasty charred lemony taste/smell. I do feel similar to how I feel when I'm high: slightly queasy with decreased motor skills. Only with more of a headache. I went home and ate a huge meal of fried chicken and chocolate, but neither salty nor sweet seemed to satisfy me. I don't know if that's K3's fault, but I think it might be."
From a regular pot smoker: "It would be a stretch to say that I got high on the Syn we rolled up.There was a small flower bud in the silver pouch of the "Chill" variety we tried (clearly marked "not for human consumption"). It tastes sour and smells like halitosis. It gave my chest and lungs a tingle but that was about it. I think all that fake weed is a fuckin' ripoff. One is better off putting their money down on a few beers and a Xanax if they really want to "chill."
I find myself agreeing with our testers. The first time we tried K2, it was fun. Why would you want to do something if it isn't fun? Syn just left me feeling listless, bored, with a slight headache. Oddly though, like tester number one I also experienced a craving for fried chicken and made a pilgrimage to the Go Chicken Go on Troost where an extremely tolerant woman helped me choose between the mashed potatos and baked beans -- a decision that was sidetracked by my inner monologue's refusal to pay attention and stop obsessing over how disgusting cole slaw is. So the best I can say about Syn is that if you want to be in the mood to eat fried chicken, Syn can help you get in that mood. We should demand more from a product named after an act of spiritual destruction than a craving for eight original herbs and spices.
Clearly the sales indicate that someone's going to miss this stuff in a month, but I have a hard time figuring out who. Are there that many people on probation? Because unless you have to pass a drug test, what reason do you have to buy synthetics anymore?
A week ago, I was talking with one of my favorite bartenders, who also happens to be an inveterate stoner. The subject of synthetic pot came up.
"I just don't get why anyone would buy it," he said. "Just buy real weed."
"What if you're older and you think you don't know how to find it anymore?" I asked.
"Just ask the youngest person you know," he said. "It isn't hard to find. It's weed."
"OK, how about for people that have medical problems and can't get legal medical marijuana since we're in Missouri?"
"Just buy the weed! Just get real, good, weed!"
Just buy weed.