Friday, December 17, 2010

Top ten reasons that your 'Top Ten Albums' list sucks

Posted By on Fri, Dec 17, 2010 at 11:46 AM

click to enlarge Suck it, Top Ten!
  • Suck it, Top Ten!

1. You don't know everything.

Sorry. There is no way that you've listened to everything released within the calendar year of 2010. You might as well title your comprehensive, labor-intensive compiling of albums "my year in music," because, honestly, I'm pretty sure that you're just sorting your iTunes by most-played, and rating the band's entire album that way. Just sayin.'

2. You will include overrated albums, simply because you don't want to fight people about the fact that you didn't really listen that closely to them. Really, you're being herded by a group mentality like a steer to the slaughter.

Self-explanatory.

3. No one really reads your arguments.

They don't. They skim. Believe me. I haven't even read mine. More than three lines of text, stacked on top of each other? Boring.

4. You are measuring things against each other that aren't really in the same category.

Can you honestly argue that Mumford and Son's debut, Sigh No More, is better than Nicki Minaj's Pink Friday? Why? Because Mumford and Sons use the word "fuck" more convincingly? Fail. Because Nicki Minaj doesn't dress in period clothes, and hasn't named herself after a fake Irish barbershop? Epic fail. LCD Soundsystem facing off against Kayne West: acceptable. (James Murphy's lyrics are just as jam-packed, brilliant and scathing.) The National facing off against Arcade Fire: again, acceptable. (Slow-burning indie rock versus fast-burning indie rock -- sure, we get it.) Otherwise, don't try to compare boring, faux-Americana to Nicki's luscious, hot-pink plastic ass. You can't.

5. You're just trying to fill space.

True music nerds latch onto one album like a golden, lifesaving jacket in the churning depths of mediocre shit that gets hyped and released each year. Do you really have ten albums that "saved your life" this year? No, you don't. I know you don't. I hacked your iTunes. Your top played song is still La Roux's "Bulletproof" from 2009, you fucking poser!

6. Sorry.

I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just that I know that you at least glanced at Spin's top 10 before you hammered out your Top Ten list. How else could you justify putting M.I.A.'s Angelfire-styled glop of glittering shit, Maya, in the top ten albums of the year?

7. Really, M.I.A. has gone downhill, hasn't she?

Truffle fries.

8. But anyway.

Back to the point: national end-of-year album lists are really fucking stupid.

9. In fact, I'm really over this one.

Suck it, music fans. I'm going to go listen to The Suburbs ten more times and cry myself to sleep.

10. Is it 2011 yet?

Fuck.

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