To see what's in store for Kansas City next year, Plog peered into our crystal ball, which we later discovered was actually a half-empty bottle of Canadian Club. Here's what we saw:
January 8: In the team's first playoff appearance since 2007, the Chiefs jump out to a 10-3 lead over the New York Jets. But on Kansas City's next drive, with the team in position for a 32-yard field goal, coach Todd Haley elects to go for the first down. His play call, a fullback dive to 325-pound Shaun Smith, backfires when Smith inexplicably eats the ball.
February 22: In a hotly contested primary election, mayoral hopefuls Deb
Hermann and Sly James advance to the March runoff, once again leaving
white men wondering whether centuries of suppressing democracy was a
total waste of time.
March 22: Hermann edges out James to become the city's next mayor. Later
that day, Mayor Mark Funkhouser is seen moving the contents of his
office from atop a very high bookshelf.
April 5: After months of editorials, TV commercials and mailers, voters
arrive at polls on the day of the historic earnings-tax vote and think
to themselves, Wait, how do I make sure the garbageman keeps coming
again? Much Googling ensues, and Kansas City votes overwhelmingly to
keep the e-tax, because why pay for shit when you can make Kansans pay
for it?
May 1: Thirty days into the 2011 season, the Royals rattle off a third
straight win, pulling to within 14 games of second place. Fans respond
by frantically rooting their Mark Grudzielanek jerseys out of the trash,
only to watch the Royals drop 16 of their next 17.
July 4: Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach resigns his post and moves
to Tempe, Arizona, after lawmakers refuse to enact his
illegal-immigration initiatives, including a strict voter-ID law, an
Arizona-style enforcement law, and a bill requiring proof of citizenship from "anyone in a Home Depot parking lot."
September 7: The U.S. Census Bureau releases its newest population
estimates. With almost 2.1 million people, Kansas City passes Cleveland
to become the nation's 28th largest metro area.
September 8: The Kansas City Convention and Visitors Association unveils
its new slogan: "It could be worse; you could be in Cleveland."
December 1: The city records its 100th murder of 2011 when East Side
gang members trade gunfire over whether "hardest" or "most hard" is
grammatically correct. Subsequently, KCPD Chief James Corwin announces
that the department will "suspend counting all the murders next year"
and instead "just ballpark it -- it seems less depressing that way,
doesn't it?"
