Thursday, February 17, 2011

'Why European Women Are Lousy in Bed' and other insights from 1966's Companion magazine

Posted By on Thu, Feb 17, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Companion Magazine

Date: July 1966

The Cover Promises: Women's magazines from 1966 look exactly like men's strokebooks from 1966.

Discovered at: Liberty Antique Mall, Liberty, MO

Representative Quotes:

"In an encounter with a male, [the English woman] is apt to be overly aggressive, to act too masculine, and nothing cools a lovesick swain faster than a woman who wears pants." (page 39).

"German women treat sex mechanically, submitting to it with the same pragmatic air that an engineer might use to survey a building's girders." (page 41).

Hooray for hamburgers, the Federalist, and good ol' American lovemaking! You see, according to Jack Matcha, who wrote the brave and scientific Companion article "European Women Are Lousy Lovers," the ladies in the old country constitute one of the Cold War's iciest fronts.

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Here's what he discovered through his extensive polling:

"The English girl has all the sensual charms of the captain of a hockey team."

"German girls do not know how to dress properly and their taste in perfumes is too often sadly lacking."

"[The Italian Woman] will hold you to every promise thrown out casually, to every remark or attitude expressed in jest, remember maddeningly every mention of another woman. It is no great pleasure to make love to a woman who will remember everything you say and treat it as gospel."

That's why Jesus never married!

Matcha also penned a series of important books that make it clear that any trouble he might have had with sex abroad was entirely the fault of the ladies for not being suitably impressed:

A Rogue's Guide to Europe, The Brady Bunch in Adventure on the High Seas, and The Brady Bunch in The New York Mystery.

My guess:

Marcia = American.

Jan = European.

So Matcha is pretty much the '60s equivalent of that terrible guy who dished about making out with Michelle Bachman except he did it with a whole entire continent. He simultaneously brags about and insults his conquests, in this case attacking the notion that European women possess greater "intelligence, understanding and sexual dynamism" than their American counterparts.

He's not absolute about it or anything.

"I do not deny that an individual European maiden may be all these and more. But taken en masse they are not."

But he does want us to think he has taken them en masse.

A reminder: Companion was a women's magazine. The editors presumably intended Matcha's piece to let readers know they are not out-classed by the sexpots of other lands. Same goes for Edith LeRoy's "Sophia Loren: The World's Most Famous Bigamist."



But what were women meant to take from this one?

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Maybe the editors hoped cheesecake shots might motivate women to purchase this massage machine, which is only designed for its advertised purpose and nothing else at all.



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"Reudcing" is dangerous! That poor woman took off a whole leg!

Shocking Detail:

Companion comes packed with other horrors. An article claims that sex-change surgeries will help homosexuals because "there is no known cure for their disease." Here author Charles V. Nemo describes the life of men who have become women:

"Sex relations were reported to be satisfactory; orgasm was claimed by most patients, though not in all cases."

That's called verisimilitude.

Highlight:

Anyway, here's more from Matcha:

"The Spanish girl is immature, she is provincial and often dull. Her unfamiliarity with lovemaking ploys, with the language, and even the techniques of love, make her ardor cloying. And since, like Italian girls, she is given to powerful and unannounced displays of emotion and jealous rage, she becomes a loser where men are concerned."

"Making love to a French girl can be as pleasant as kissing a kitten with sharp claws. ... Once having hooked into a man, a French girl suddenly turns into an ego covered in porcupine quills. She begins to nag her man at every turn and every remark is couched in an irritating whine from which there is no escape."

Also, sometimes it looks like Companion's entire art department budget was blown on one of those newfangled Xerox machines.

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Lord, that one's by Matcha, too. This I vow: One day I'll develop the strength to read it and report back!

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