A serial masturbator is terrorizing Columbia. University of Missouri-Columbia police are on the lookout for the whacker after a man was twice caught stroking it on campus in recent days.
According to police, the suspect was seen rubbing one out on the east side of Stankowski Field around 2:44 a.m. on March 22. The suspect was described as a "black male, college aged, with a slender build, wearing a gray T-shirt
and eyeglasses." There's no description of his pleasure piece, mercifully.
Two days later, a black male with short hair was spied doing a little self afternoon delight near the intersection of Hitt and Paquin while sitting inside a bright-red sedan with a spoiler on the back.
Captain Brian Weimer of the MU police department told the Riverfront Times that his office didn't have any details on the "tally whacker" in question.
"We've been watching the movie Porky's and thought about putting together a police composite," Weimer joked. "But then that's probably not such a good idea."
Yeah, probably not.