Update: Two more Things of Steven were posted over the weekend: a Super Nintendo with games and an invisible pony and a "1:1 Scale Replica of IKEA 'Expedit' Shelving Unit." And the scribe behind Things of Steven sent me an email early Saturday morning. He fulfilled my request that he write a sales pitch for a waterbed. Enjoy.
"'That's one damn dead waterbed,' she sighed listlessly, regretfully, earnestly, terribly. Her lips were slow but her heart was thumping so fast, like a million tiny pigeons stuck between the carburetor and the hood of a racecar screaming through space heading straight into the sun, a sun composed of ten thousand suns all bigger than itself, all crammed into one and they can NOT stay in there, just like the tears that for so long had fallen inside her, filling her with tears, so that whenever she would move her hand across the desk, or whenever she would turn her head (that voice again?), she could feel the tears in her arms, her neck, making her movements heavy, fluid, slow, like a waterbed."
Original post: For a change, the most intriguing posts on the Kansas City Craigslist site aren't in the "missed connections" or on a personals page. No, a Raytown resident trying unload a crappy bookcase and a coffee table has turned the "For sale/wanted" page the most interesting and the strangest.
The two posts - which are more than 500 words each - are titled "THINGS OF STEVEN - Coffee Table of Prosperity - $10" and "THINGS OF STEVEN - Mildly Depressed Bookcase - $20." And they are worth reading. The intro for the coffee table post is a 175-word sentence that begins:
"I, your humble yet illustrious reporter, lifelong servant to the will of the public, champion of the people, awarded 'Best Pecs' by Boy Frenzy magazine five times from 2002-2009, emissary of goodwill, and of course, loyal confidante of Steven - a gentleman who, I am sure, needs no introduction, whose distinction is without peer, of whose benevolence the cup of humanity runneth over..."
It doesn't get any less weird. He describes the table's dimensions this way: "Measuring 35 3/8"(L) X 21 5/8"(W) X 17 3/4"(H), it is the perfect size for any activity. It would hold, for example, two 35-lb dogs, two 25-lb dogs, and a small bowl - it is a perfect size for that. But what if you have two more 25-lb dogs? It is the perfect size for that too, with some stacking."
Here's what Steven (or the person fencing Steven's stuff) says about the bookcase: "'Would this bookcase be a good companion on a long drive,' you are probably thinking. Well, yes and no. It is, to be sure, a patient listener, slow to pass judgement, and its 5 shelves - with shelf heights, respectively, from top to bottom, of 14 1/4", 12 1/4" +/- 2" (adjustable), 12 3/8" +/- 2", 8" (after clearing front 2" overhang), and 16" - are also a good place to store any books you might like to have along, to pass the time while driving. However, it is slightly too large to sit comfortably in the front passenger area of most passenger vehicles - it would almost certainly have to be laid out in the rear of the vehicle, or perhaps strapped to the roof, or made to ride side-saddle, or hurly-burly, or poisson-sur-la-tête, or given its own vehicle to drive separately. However, it is not immune to the simple pleasures of companionship, and if a country drive is found to be logistically challenging, then perhaps a lazy stroll through the woods, a picnic by the lake, would be a rewarding experience with your new bookcase."
Is he a frustrated novelist? An unemployed marketing specialist? Who knows? But, please, Things of Steven, try to sell a waterbed next.